There’s no love in the world like the love from a pet. There’s nothing like the sound of your cat curling up and purring at night. When that sound is gone you lay awake and cry because its no longer there to sooth you. This is something you notice when they have to depart. When they are no longer around you sit and notice the simple things that made your life complete. I wait for the rumble in my ceiling a sound I’d hear every night before my cat would plunge onto my bed and curl up beside me.
A sound I never thought would suddenly stop. A sound I never knew I relied on to sleep peacefully at night. But I realize now it was a sound I did rely on. A sound that let me know she was safe and sound and with me for the night. This sound has now ceased and I know it was something I relied on. It was a familiar sound that was somehow soothing and comforting to me because it meant she was coming to me for the night. She was coming to me to be protected form evil. She was coming to me to sleep peacefully. And just as I relied on her to be there when I fell asleep. She also relied on me. The anger she had towards me when I would go out of town for a while never lasted long. But I knew she missed me and I knew she was upset. More so than the sounds at night is the companionship I also relied on.
Having her at my feet was something that I had grown used to and I find myself stepping around her still. But she’s no longer there. I sit to type an email or two and lean back for the always expected plunge into my lap where she would purr and curl up as I typed away. There’s an empty space as I sit here now. It’s something that is difficult to comprehend.
Walking around my house I stop for a split second. Forgetting she’s gone and think I see her out of the corner of my eye. I await the scratching at my door sometimes if I close it because that’s what she’d do if she thought I’d locked her out of my room. She knows in a million years I’d never lock her away. I know she knew because sometimes I’d open the door and she’d be gone. Sometimes I’d catch
her running away.
I knew she was laughing. She knew I’d open the door everytime. So she enjoyed playing a game. Sometimes she’d turn around and come in. She knew as soon as I sat down an open lap was up for grabs. That lap is empty now. Her treats still sit next to my bed where I left them the day I took her into the vets office. I believed I’d bring her back.
I knew she needed the extra attention from the vet so I chose to have her stay overnight. Where she could get what she needed to fight what was wrong. You’re never prepared for something like this. But I kept my head up. Thinking it’s going to be ok. She’s sick but she’ll get better.
That day I took her into the vets I knew for sure I’d be bringing her home. I just never knew I’d be bringing her home like this. I never had the chance to say my goodbyes. No hugs not one last kiss. Not one last nuzzle. I wasn’t there when she went but I wish I had been. So thankful she went on her own but I feel she should have been at home when she slept away that night. She should have been nestled in her spot in my bed with me. She knew it was ok to go. I told her it was.
But I have this guilt pulling at me. I’m her mother. Why wasn’t I there? Why couldn’t I have just pet her one last time? Why wasn’t I holding her comforting her when she needed me??? In my mind I was doing what was best. I know this was for the best. In my head she was going to recover and be ok. I thought one night in the hospital is what she needed to get well again. I was doing what any mother would do. I was looking out for her opting to give her a chance to recover instead of giving in and having her put down. Well I kept one promise to her.
I brought her home again. Where she belongs. And while there will be no more soothing purrs and no more warm laps I know she’s in a better place. She’s with her friends now. Somewhere where there’s no pain and hurt. I just can’t shake this guilt. I’m sorry baby I’m sorry I wasn’t there with you I’m sorry I couldn’t have held you I’m sorry I didn’t get to say goodbye. You’re always with me. And now you’re home. Where you belong. One day I will meet with you again. This promise I will keep. And when I see you again I will never let go.
I love you! This is for my baby Lint who passed away from me on Tuesday June 11 2002. And for my 2 other babies who I’ve lost recently Velcro and Nadia…Sleep peacefully babies and I promise you all
I will see you all again.
Tam
| Lint |
| 11, June 2002 |
| Tam |