MY DEAREST CHUCHA,You were my Best Friend,Daughter,My Love,My Heart,My very soul. I am Dieing from lose you, I do NOT even want to wake up for 15 years you were there for me.I have so Much Guilt My Friend, Why did I not Hold you CLOSE that Last day. You were with me 24 HOURS a day,You gave me comfort, love, support,You made me Fight Cancer, and Sickness, Now My Friend I can’t fight without You. I FEEL SO UTTERLY ALONE. Now the Guilt starts why did I not get up nights when you woke me wanting food, but I thought it was not good for you so, I would say NO, and tell you go back to sleep. I SHOULD of just let you have it, but the vet said to cut down on your food. Cause weight gain would Not be good. The thing that KILLING ME is I Wish I had knew it was our LAST DAY?? I would of held you so Tight. Why did I not get you were old? You were so Tough. Everyday as soon as I got up so did you. CHUCHA,I can’t imagine life without you. At the end it Hurt when you detached yourself from me and wanted to be alone. I will Never Forget looking in your eyes and seeing just how old you were my friend.
I have NEVER had ANYONE Love me like you did. Losing you is The Worst pain in the world. I have so Much Guilt and Pain, I am so Sorry that I did not hold you ever so tight that day or that night just held you, I really had thought once we got to the Vet you be ok.My vet says you Knew how MUCH I LOVED YOU., But,I feel so Stupid that I did not see your death coming. I REALLY BELIEVED THE LORD WOULD KEEP YOU HERE. I believed that you thru the Grace of the Lord would stay,but I am Sorry my old friend that I did Not Hold you Tight that last night. You were the Best dog in the World, even in old age you get up to go wherever I went.In some ways I feel Guilt in the Fact I let you go EVERYWHERE I went, but that made you happy too.
CHUCHA, Please be there at the time of my Death. I am so Terrified I won’t be with you again. CHUCHA,I can not even smile or eat or think. I keep thinking that when you walked in and I did Not stop working and I knew something did not seem right and the next thing I know you were trying to get away from me. You no longer wag your tail or came when I called. That’s what KILLING ME. Why did I NOT Stop right then and say what’s Wrong?? The next thing I KNOW you had detached yourself from me and the world.
I was dying my friend. I kept chasing you all over, but you kept leaving my side seeking to be alone. Did I do something wrong? The Guilt,The pain, The Sorrow,Then when I picked up your face and looked in your old eyes, and told you it ok, go rest you put your head in my lap and died Peacefully in Your Mommy lap. I am Not Mad at you my friend. I am MAD at myself that I did not see how old you really were till that day and the Fact that you still got up EVERYDAY no matter how you felt you were there for me.
I HOPE in the end I gave you Peace and Helped to Comfort you at the end. I Never knew that kind of LOVE and Devotion. I Pray I was a Good MOMMY,I SURE LOVED YOU AND STILL DO. I am Sorry, so Sorry that I was in DENIAL, I did not see you Dieing,I convinced myself you were tough and you be around,How do I Live without you? I know you probably kept going away from me cause you did not want me to see you die, but my old friend I could Not let you die like that. I had to hold you and be there for you. Even at Death you were thinking of me; you knew it would kill me inside. You knew it be hard for you too, I understand now what you were trying to do but, I am just glad that I showed you I could be Strong for you. What better way to leave then your head in my lap.
I Love You ChuCha,until we meet again wait for me my old friend, your mommy, your best friend In Memory of My Beloved ChuCHA. I can’t wait to see you. I Keep your ashes by my side and it gives me some Peace. I MISS YOU. Please be there waiting for me when I Die. Please my old Friend Forgive me that I have completely fallen apart. I do not want to wake up, I can’t sleep; I cry constantly. I feel as though my Heart is broken. How do I live without your love? How do I face the day now alone? I feel guilt that I did not accept you were old. I feel Guilt those times you whined wanting food late at night and I refused to give it. I feel Guilt that I did not accept you were old; I lived in Denial that you live forever.
My old friend I remember times when I had to run a quick errand and I would think I wish you just wait so, I did not have to load you, God I feel so bad. I should of Never even thought like that. It’s just when I was real sick, I was so weak and it was hard sometimes to load you up into the truck, but I am glad I did. I just feel Guilt that I would even think that. Lord help me; I should of seen you’re old and one day you won’t be there for me.
I feel Extreme Guilt. It’s Killing me, Cause, the Truth of the matter is I was as a child in a sense I did not see Life without you. Now My old friend that what Killing me. I lived in a fantasy world you always be there. I guess in some ways you were my Mommy, My teacher, I just feel I wish I had done things Different at the end. I Wish I Had Pampered you more; I Wish I had just let you have the food you wanted late at night; I Wish when you whine for me to bring you water, and when you go to the bathroom you could not go far from the door. These were all signs that you were old, and I was so Stupid. Why Did I not see it? You sure would get up when I was leaving ready to go, No matter How you felt.
I still am in shock of your Death. You were fine all day and then all of a sudden you were dying. My mind keeps going back to when you came in the house something wasn’t right? Dear Lord, Why did I not Stop right then? I should of stopped and asked what wrong? I feel so much REGRET, and Pain. The next thing I Know is my Chucha detached and dying. Lord Forgive Me Chucha, that did not right then check you.
I knew you seemed strange. My lord that killing me that I did Not stop right then. Chucha I am Sorry. Forgive me. I would give my life for you anytime. I would give my life for you and that the TRUTH. I am sorry my friend. I am glad you were able to have Peace and be in my lap. I Love You. I Never had anyone Love me like you did. Now I am alone. How do I live without you?Without your love,comfort, care? I Look forward to when we are together again. I Am So Alone Chucha.
You gave me strength to fight; you were the reason I Fight for my Life. You were the reason that I Carry on. My very life revolved around knowing you loved and needed me. Now I have no one who Loves or Needs me. I Want to be with you Chucha. I need you. Please help me Chucha. I Pray to be able to be strong without you until we are together again. I Never knew What Love felt like until you. You always were there for me; you were always by my side. I would not even go places that you could Not go cause, I could Not be away from you.
wWhen I was in the hospital it killed me. I always made sure I was there for you too. I would Not even go out cause, I did not want leave you alone. Where ever I went, you had to be Welcomed too. I Did not visit people that would not let you come in their home. You were my friend. From you I saw and felt what Love was. Rocky and Dk miss you too. Rocky just lays on your pillow so sad; he doesn’t even want food.
You were Very Special to him. You helped him to be a good dog like you. I have to remember how they must feel; they are hurting too.I hope you can just let me know it not the end; we will be together again. I sleep with your urn near me. I was at a loss of bury you on the land or cremation. But it not my land what if, I ever moved? So at least No matter where I go, I can take you with me. When I die your urn will go in the casket with me. I just want your spirit to be at Peace and Free.
When I see the birds fly and butterflies I think of you. On the day you died even Dr.DAVIS cried. Ginny was there too. So as you put your head in my lap Dr Davis, Ginny and others cried too. You were So Loved by others too. What a Wonderful Vet that cried for you too. Dr Davis cared. What better way to leave then with your head in your mommy lap and others around who were there to help your passing be with Love and Gentle care.
Thank The Lord for Dr Davis and Ginny for help you and give me the courage and strength to help you go in Peace.I couldn’t Not think of a better way to die. Till we see each other again my friend, I Love You More Than Life itself. Chucha Marie Sauls I Love And. Miss you. Thank You for your love. Thank You for show me how it felt to be Loved. Thank You for being so strong for the both of us. Thank You for always looking after me and comfort me when I was sick. Thank You even when you felt bad all you cared about was being by me and letting me know I had you and I had to be strong. Thank You for helping me fight cancer. Thank You for being a MOM, Best friend, Sister,My Life.
I will try and carry on, but it won’t be easy. You Spoiled me. You really Spoiled me with your love and attention. Thank You Chucha. Maybe you can play with Baby Ginny dog there, her dog passed not long ago after over 12 years by her side. Maybe you can play with her until I come home and Then we will play all you want. Your favorite games. I am Sorry you had to go, but you Rest now. You were a Champ here on earth, a Hero.You stayed Tough even to the end. You rest now, and I will see you soon. Wait for me, and be there when I die. I will be scared so be waiting for me and help me get thru my death when the time comes, long as you are there I will be ready and Happy.
My Beloved Chucha, With Love
| ♥Chucha Marie Sauls♥ |
| 20, Mar 2010 |
| Jacqueline M Sauls |