April by Yvonne / Mommy

This is the poem I read to my April a few hours before she left for Rainbow Bridge:

If it should be that I grow frail and weak
And pain should keep me from my sleep,
Then will you do what must be done,
For this — the last battle — can’t be won.
You will be sad I understand,
But don’t let grief then stay your hand,
For on this day, more than the rest,
Your love and friendship must stand the test.
We have had so many happy years,
You wouldn’t want me to suffer so.
When the time comes, please, let me go.
Take me to where to my needs they’ll tend,
Only, stay with me till the end
And hold me firm and speak to me
Until my eyes no longer see.
I know in time you will agree
It is a kindness you do to me.
Although my head its last has moved,
From pain and suffering I have been saved.
Don’t grieve that it must be you
Who has to decide this thing to do;
We’ve been so close — we two — these years,
Don’t let your heart hold any tears.
– Author unknown –

I feel both pain and relief, for my April, you are no longer here in my lap, but now you are free. Free from pain, free from fighting and staying strong for me. I miss you so much April, I cannot really believe you are not there waiting for me to take care of you anymore. I memorized your beautiful soft fur, your scent, everything about you, it’s in my heart and in my mind. Thank you for giving mommy the time she needed to say goodbye, thank you for staying strong for yet another day, yet another night, thank you for not letting mommy’s hope vanish… I love you so much April, I wanted to try everything in my power to keep you here, to make you feel better… Please forgive me if I made you stay longer than you wanted to, but the thought of letting you go was too painful for me… We had just celebrated your 6th bday and I was hoping for many more… You were such a talkative, happy, good girl and I know this past week was too hard on you, you were no longer your happy self. Cancer took over your body, and nothing I could do to make you better. But I had hope that with my love and care you might get better and I hope you know I did it out of love. Remember, as I got you when you were a little baby, I promised you that I would always take good care of you, always. And when I saw your tired face and your weak body – it tore at my heart, but I had to keep my promise and release you from this earthly life, so you can again run around free and happy, with that smile of yours that will warm my heart always.

So just like I whispered to you during your last hours here on earth, laying in my lap:
“Everything will be ok, good April, I am here, Mommy loves you and thinks of you always”.

April, April, I am so sorry if I put you through too much, please forgive mommy if she was being selfish, I love you with all my heart and I miss you more than I can say…

Now that you gained your angel wings, go and fly free, and know that Mommy will always be thinking of you, shedding many tears because I had to let you go – smiling at the memory of you because I had the honour of sharing my life with you, my special girl.

Love always, your Mommy

I can’t believe she’s gone, it all seems like a nightmare to me right now…

In my tears I try to find peace that I helped her to cross over to Rainbow
Bridge. The vet said she wouldn’t have made the night. She got water on her
lungs. I was so thankful our vet came to help. April fell asleep and is now free…

I force-fed her for the past five days, but she seemed ok and had maintained her weight. The vet said it was because of several little tumours she had. He said they can spread into the whole body… I wanted to try anything to
help her get better, and I was hoping she would start eating by herself again… But then, her health condition took a turn for the worse and I got a bad feeling. Her breathing was very very fast and she didn’t swallow anymore.
Being a holiday here, the vet wasn’t available until tonight… So all I could do was to wait and hope she wouldn’t suffer. She stayed strong and fought, but that evening she started to have little cough-attacks which scared me so badly!! I prayed that she wouldn’t die in pain and I knew I had to release her… April spent her last hours in my lap, as I petted her
telling her everything would be ok, that I was there, and that she was such a good girl. I read her the poem “If it should be” that I had on my mind… I hope she knows all I did was out of love and that I am so sorry if I tried
to keep her as long as possible… Now she doesn’t have to fight anymore…

I had a dream that April was still here, that she got her health back, eating again, and I was overwhelmed with happiness and thankful I’d tried so hard to keep her with me. But when I woke up reality overcame me – and I realized it was only a dream. I strongly believe what I saw and felt in my dream is what April is having now – happiness, peace and no more suffering…

Thank you to a dear friend of mine for sending me this beautiful poem…

In Loving Memory Of “April”

To My Mommy with Love:

As you hold me close in memory,
even though we are apart,
my spirit will live on,
there within your heart….
I am with you always.

When you lean on trusted friends and
their caring hugs enfold you,
within their loving arms,
I’ll be there to hold you…..
I am with you always.

And beyond the far horizon
when we’ll finally be together,
where love will be eternal
and life will last forever….
I am with you always.
~Author unknown~

 

Until we meet again, love forever,