To my Pal, Oscar October 18, 2009
I am so lost with out my best friend. My heart is just breaking and I don’t know what to do without you. You are a part of me and no matter what has happened in my life for seventeen years you have been by my side. Its really funny, because I believed that you have always needed me to save and protect you. But only now that I realize that all this time you have been my strength. You have kept me on solid ground just by allowing me to hold you in my arms and cry. What will I do without you?
Everywhere I look I see you. I hold your ashes in my hand and I kiss them and tell you how much I love you. My routine is the same, nothing has changed. In the morning when I wake up I pick up your ashes and take them downstairs with me. I have put your picture in every room so that when I look around, I still see you just like always. At night just before bedtime, daisy and I walk outside one more time. We stand and I look up at the stars as she sits right beside me and I cry because our pal is not sitting with us. When we come in, we pickup your urn and walk up to bed I kiss you good night and tell you again how much I love you, then I lean down to let daisy tell you good night. I huge the blanket that your slept on at the foot of the bed and then I place it just like you are getting ready to turn in with me. You are the last thought at the end of my day and the first thought as soon as my eyes open.
I am hurting and sometimes I am angry and blaming myself. I am so so sorry, I did not know it was your heart, I thought you had caught a cold. If I had only carried you to the Doctor that Wednesday when I came home maybe they would have been able to save you. I hate myself right now.
That morning on the ride to the vet, I never thought that would be our last ride together. When I loved you and told you to get better, I believed that I would be picking you back up in just a little while. But when that call came and she told me that you had passed; I broke down.
At that moment, in all the disbelief of losing you; I knew that I had lost apart of me.
I had you cremated and daisy rode with me to pick you up. We drove over to Indian lake, walked out to a bench and took the little metal tin from the box and held you tight. I sat there holding that little tin with Daisy’s head on my lap, both of us broken and we still could not accept that you had passed away. Even now I think your right here behind me. My shadow. And thats the hardest part, I cant see my shadow.
I rode passed taco bell and I knew how much you would love to have a taco. You ate a couple every week. Then on Saturday when I was up stairs separating the laundry, I looked around for you so I could pick you up, sit you in the basket on top of the clothes and take you downstairs. For a moment I was lost, but then I went to get your urn, I kissed it just like I have always did with you and placed it in the laundry basket. “Come on daisy to lets go”, and then downstairs the three of us walked just like always.
You are wonderful. And you have been loved unconditionally by your whole family. The tears have really poured and we talk and talk about all the great times that we had with our little Oscar. Friends, coworkers and distant relatives have called to talk about you. Your seventeen years really did have an impact on everyone that you came in contact with. Yes-You are one in a million and I know that you already know that.
Your family misses you and for now I have to continue on just like you are hear. Talking to you, looking around to see you and holding your urn tight when I feel that I cant go on another second without you.
I love you, your my best friend, my companion, my therapist and my forever Pal Mom. Daddy has cried and missed you terrible bad. Brittany says she cries herself to sleep. And she knew that you were old and your time would come, but now that you have passed she can’t believe it.
Brian has had a confession thing going on blaming himself for every time that he did not let you out to the bathroom. But all three of them was so heartbroken that they could not see you after you passed, but I had no problem loving you and kissing you one last time.
Daisy is really really missing you. And I can’t hardly move without her right behind me. If I go to the bathroom, she goes with me. Friday morn she went to the office with me for about an hour and then we left. But you have really taught her good because she is trying to take care of me.
Oscar you are a big part of this family and I always knew what an impact you would have on us if anything ever happened to you, but the rest of our family never really thought about it until now. They said that they had always worried about me when that time came but now they know how much they need you too.
To our Oscar, who loved to travel, ride the pontoon with his cool life jacket or eat from the taco bell-there is only one you in the whole world and I am so blessed to have you as part of my family. And more than anything apart of me. You will live on forever with me and I know one day we will be together soon and one that day I know that it will be
like we have never parted.
I love you with all that I am, Mama.
| Oscar |
| 15, Oct 2009 |
| Angie Pridgen |