Zeppelin

About 5 years ago I put to sleep my friend a tabby named Eboni. She had feline leukemia and her body was slowly swelling with fluid making things less comfortable as time went on. However she often sat with me and looked at me letting me know how important this time was for us — we had had some rough years and was not always compassionate towards her — I will forever wish I had treated her better she definitely deserved better. But here was our chance to make amends to forgive and forget the bad times and to remember and cherish all the good. Unfortunately a younger cat of mine who had always picked on Eboni anyway realized that she was now an easier and slower target and ruthlessly took advantage to torment her as much as he could. I ended up keeping her in a room by herself which was difficult and no one seemed to really benefit from this forced separation.

Everyone that I knew had been pestering me about making the “decision.” It was terrible to let her suffer etc. etc. Even though I do believe that “thou shalt not kill” applies to all living souls and could never harm a flea I bowed to their advice and finally decided to take her in. Deciding when was very difficult since those last several days and weeks were the best we had ever spent together and were very very important to me. But finally deciding that living locked up in my room in her continually worsening condition was most likely painful for her I took her in.

The moment they euthanised her she looked right at me with the most painful look of fear and mistrust as if I had betrayed and failed her. I vowed that I would never ever do that to another soul ever again. Ever.

I am torn because of course I do not want my babies to ever suffer. It tears me up whenever they just feel sick or have an injury or if they are even unhappy — my job is to make sure they are ALWAYS happy healthy and completely care-free. However does that mean they don’t have the right to live their life as God intended it to be lived to its end whatever that may be? As happy and content as I want them to be life also comes with pain. And amongst the painful times we often find serenity. We also are blessed with answers to questions we’ve had and experience a sense of completeness.

However after receiving poor Eboni’s painful message to me coming to the understanding I have mentioned and praying that my remaining babies are allowed to die in a natural manner I found out after a month of treating a mysterious illness in my mother cat (the mother of the male cat who had tortured Eboni) that it looked very much like she had cancer — it had grown to completely enclose and seal shut a portion of her colon.

Her condition by this time was such that I truly believe she could not have withstood surgery — she was a tiny cat to begin with and had lost a few pounds by this point. Irregardless of the ravages that were now undoubtedly occurring throughout her tiny body Zeppelin’s spirit remained strong. She was a trooper and would let me know every day that she was comforted by my presence and wanted to hang in there.

Not only now was I faced with the prospect of her death being considerably more painful and difficult than any natural death would have allowed I had a week-long trip coming up that had been scheduled for almost a year. I considered not going. I absolutely considered leaving her alone in the care of a couple of friends who could visit her while I was gone. I did NOT want to consider ending her life simply because I had other plans. God interceded slightly and a few days before I was scheduled to leave Zeppelin’s health declined enough for me to realize her quality of life would never be the same again. Having the advice of a new and very dear friend whom I knew I could trust in this I made the painful decision. I did not want to abandon her when she would need me the most and I had no idea how fast her illness would progress while I would be gone. At least I would be with her.

Somehow I met the right people received the right words comfort and advice and got through the last few days. I feared that I would see the same look of betrayal in her eyes that I had seen in Eboni’s but would not look away I couldn’t live not knowing. But she was given a sedative and slowly relaxed as I talked and sang and kissed her and told her how much she meant to me. When it happened I did not notice any resentment or regret from her and she seemed at peace before I realized she was no longer there — her soul had departed.

I left the next morning for my trip and was able to get through the week since it was a happy occasion (my brother’s wedding) though my family does not understand my feelings and grief which made it difficult to seek comfort when I needed it. I realized that not being at home was putting off the grieving I had not yet let myself go through.

The moment I walked in the door this afternoon I broke down. I do not understand why I was made to go through this decision when I had believed so completely before that it was wrong. I am grateful that I was given the tools and support I needed to do what I did but will never know for sure that it was the right thing to do. I will always wonder why God put us through the challenging experience and I will continue to pray and pray that my three remaining babies and any souls I later find myself sharing my life with have their lives come to a more peaceful end.

I miss Zeppelin terribly. There was absolutely something very special about her — everyone her met her thought so — and there will never be another like her.

I hope I did right by you baby. Rest in peace.