Amaryllis C. Tissuebox by Marcy

Black Hole in the Universe
Where the Amaryllis Grew

Amaryllis you are very special. There is a deep hole in my heart where your purrs and furry little person used to be.. Grief comes in waves which gradually diminish over time. Right now it is painful and my tears drop down off my cheeks salty warm wet. I donÆt know where to go. I want you back. I miss you. I didnÆt want you to suffer any longer and I am glad
your suffering has ended.

I didnÆt want you to die alone. That is always the hardest part for me. I guess I knew how close you were this morning. Your breathing was very shallow. I hope you forgive me for my well-meaning but ignorant and inept handling of you this morning trying to stuff mashed carrots into you when you just wanted peace and a place to die quietly with dignity. IÆm so sorry Amaryllis! Please forgive my indiscretion. I love you. I have always loved you so much. You were so very special.

I grieve for the loss of your friendship your companionship the therapy you gave ME. I grieve for myself; for the life I lost. I lost my beloved friend. My friend that used to listen to me and let me stroke him and derive comfort and solace from him when I was needy. A friend who always had a hardy purr for me to cheer me up no matter what the problem was. You were always so optimistic innocent open and vulnerable. You showed me what faith and optimism are. I can learn much from your simple innocence and dignity. I will miss my dear beloved friend. You have left a deep empty hole in my heart that no one else can adequately fill.

I feel disjointed disconnected to the rest of the world. I feel like I don’t belong in the world. I don’t know what to do with myself.

Amaryllis you are so very special and no one and nothing can replace you. I bonded even deeper with you the last few days when you were helpless and suffering and Jean-Pierre and I were hand feeding you. You were like a little baby in my arms. After feeding you I would wipe your mouth and chin like you do with a baby after you’re done feeding him. So maybe it feels like the death of an infant which must be the most
horrendous loss to a parent.

Amaryllis you were also my teddy bear. I often looked upon you as a little living teddy bear because you reminded me of one. None of my other guinea pigs purr as loudly as you did You were like a helicopter; sometimes your purrs sounded just like the distant whirring of whirlybird blades. You had this one rogue eyelash that sprouted out from your left eye a wild hair that curled idiotically–one of the many things about you that endeared you to me beyond reason. Mostly it was your innocence. You were a rolly-polly a very sensuous little being. I loved to watch you arch your back in anticipation of being petted there while vibrating incessantly.

Over the last few days I have tried to integrate my raw emotions with the other experiences I go through. I watch summer unfolding all around me and overlay the filter that you are no longer in the world to experience this summer. I hear music and think Amaryllis is gone and will never hear this piece of music again You will never feel the warmth of sunlight on your back again or see its bright light shining on the flowers and grass; never see again the contrast between the harsh white light of sunshine with the deep shadows it also creates.

Did you know you were dying? When you refused to eat–eating was your passion–did you somehow sense then that you were not to survive but a few days? Did you deliberately choose to die because you knew that something was very wrong with you that your suffering was unbearable and you wanted to opt out? I know not being able to take a good breath of air is one of the worst kinds of suffering and your breathing was labored and difficult. What made you get sick so suddenly? Was it pneumonia? These are questions I will never get the answers to. They just keep circling around and around in my head like buzzards flying overhead. Like you Amaryllis I yearn for peace. I want the pain to end yet I donÆt want to just forget about you. I want to remember you always to remember all the ways you made me laugh and smile and adore you for your unself-conscious innocence and not have to feel the pain of losing you.

You were most special.

Marcy