Spanky by Heather Truong / Mom

Dear My forever loved Spanky…

It has been five months since we parted, still my tears shed when I think of you. Last night I saw you in my dream… Almost every night, before I close my eyes, I wish I can see you in my dream. This is the second time I get to see you in my dream since you left me. But like the last time, in my dream, I never know you have already away from me. I knew you were sick, but I can’t connect the dream with the reality, so that I can be aware and hold you so tight to make up for the time when I left the house before you passed away. Many times I hate my self for not giving you enough loving since many of other fights and circumtances…I wish I can make it up to you…and hope
that you forgive me for the circumstances.

You know what, last Christmas I had a little scare about my liver condition. The doctor ordered the second test right in the holidays. After my test, I had to wait until the holidays was over to get the result…most of the time, I thought of death…but this time, I had a ray of light out of my desperation: I think of you. I thought of my death as an opportunity to reunite with you…Then I don’t feel so much desperate…in fact I was looking forward to it.

Spanky, do you know that you are not only bring joy and happiness in my life, but also hope
and courage in my death?

Yesterday, I walked along the canal…I saw another dog was running along his master…I thought about you…how behave you were..being able to walk with me without being on leash. Most of the time, I imagine you are with me, I couldn’t see you, but I know you are there, running along with me…but this yesterday, I don’t want you there, to stuck with me in this life…to be faithful and submissive…I want to know that you are happy to be in heaven…doing things that YOU like to do…or become another cute fluffy puppie in someone else’ house, who love you much more than I do and give you all the things you love to have.

I’ve been trying to ‘negotiate’ with Jack to take Utu and Titi out more. I made the point with J that they are now have to be in the bedroom with us… I’ll make sure not letting J restrict them so much like
he did when you were with us.

I don’t want to be living in regret knowing that I can’t fight for my ‘kids’..I tried hard not to let J influence me to give them a great time…I’m going to try hard Spanky…
try my best!

I tried not to fight with him when they are there…You know, when you passed for couple days, J told me that we would not fight in memory of you…
Well, we can only say that!!

I feel so sad to see Utu and Titi ran hiding when we fight…I know that I can’t give you the nurture environment when you were sick and passed away and now, I know that I can’t give Utu and Titi the same thing that I hope for.

I don’t know what to do Spanky. I just need to pray to God, really hard. I really need help from the above.

As for now, I remembered how you jumped up to lick my tear away…and still believe that you are still doing
it when I need you.
I miss you so much Spanky. I wish I could turn back time to make up all the love that I was unable to give you when J is around or under stressful circumstances.
Spanky, you are always in my mind!!!

 

Love you forever,