February 7, 2009
Dear Jillian,
Today is the one year anniversary of your passing. It was on this day last year that I had to say goodbye to my best friend. It has been the most difficult year that I have ever experienced in my life. Not a day has gone by that I don’t think of you, and wish that things were different. I think about that day when I put you in the car, and on the way to the vet, I told you that you were going to have surgery and you would be coming home in a day or two. You just looked at me with those big brown eyes as if you understood every word I was saying. As I handed you over to the vet tech, I said “be a good girl, I love you, and I will see you later”. I then went to work and by the time I was finished for the day, the vet called me as I was on my way to pick you up. I thought it was kind of strange that the vet was calling me instead of one of his staff. I couldn’t believe what he was telling me, he said that you had cancer. I hurried to his office as fast as I could. When I got there it was all I could do to keep from breaking down. The vet brought me in and proceeded to tell me what he found and how bad it was. I just didn’t want to believe what he was saying. I felt like someone had just kicked me in the stomach!
I asked him if he could do anything for you. He basically said that any surgery he could do would be temporary. When he said that you would have a feeding tube, I knew that your quality of life would be over. What he was trying to tell me was that it was just a matter of time before the cancer took over your little body. There was just no stopping this awful disease. I asked to see you, you were still groggy from the surgery, and I held you in my arms and told you that I loved you, and what a good girl you were.
They left me alone with you for awhile. I asked the vet to come in so I could speak with him again, I asked him to please tell me what to do, I just couldn’t make that decision without knowing that I was doing the right thing for my Jillian. He hesitated, and I finally said “if she were your dog, what would you do? He said “I would let her go”. So thats what I did. I held you against my chest, I felt your heart beating, and then it stopped. At that moment I knew what it felt like to have my heart broken. I just wanted to die with you. I couldn’t believe my Jillian was gone. I couldn’t believe that I wouldn’t be taking you home with me. My wonderful little dog was gone forever, just like that! I never would of dreamed in a millon years that this would of been the outcome.
I’m not sure how I made it home that night? The tears were streaming down my face uncontrollably. For the next several weeks, I felt every emotion that there is, sadness, guilt, anger. I just existed on a daily basis. At times my grief for you was so overwhelming that it made it hard to function. I just couldn’t believe that I would never see you again, never touch you, kiss you, or hear you snort and snore while sleeping on the bed next to me. I would never feel you kiss me again, snuggle on the couch while watching TV. You wouldn’t be going down to the barn with me, or riding in the car, no more walks, no more anything. It still is difficult to do those things without you. I now have to live without you for the rest of my life.
If only I had known how sick you were sooner, but you showed no signs until the last two weeks. As soon as I realized that you weren’t feeling well I took you the see the vet. At that point the cancer had already done its damage. I know even if I was prepared for the outcome, it still would of been difficult. I don’t think that you are ever prepared for losing your best friend. I know that our pets don’t live as long as we do, but I just didn’t expect to lose you so soon, and so suddenly. In a matter of ten years we as humans get older, but our pets just get old. It doesn’t seem fair. We had a good life together, and believe me I am so grateful that I got to share at least nine wondeful years with you. You were without a doubt the best dog friend that I have ever had. You will always be my special girl and it was an honor to be your caretaker.
Jillian, I hope where ever you are that you know how much you were loved. I will always love you, and I will miss you until we meet again.
Rest in peace my beautiful and faithful friend, Jillian.
With Love,
| Jillian |
| 7, Feb 2008 |
| Denise Hutchinson |