I looked up grieving process. Like I googled it! Because I can’t think about her, say or write her name, see pictures or read any messages about her. I can’t talk to people about her. I can’t face my boss or train a new staff. I couldn’t wait to leave my house. I want to work really late. I don’t want to be alone because then I have an excuse to cry. I want to be around people that have never met Duchess so that I can completely tune her out. I actually wished for a fast forward button so that I can zip past this week and maybe next week too. I guess this is that part about “acceptance” in the grieving process that I am struggling with.
“By expressing grief, you’ll likely need less time to heal than if you withhold or “bottle up” your feelings”
So here goes nothing…
Chapter 1: Expressing my grief
I am so desperately sad. I have a knot in my stomach that won’t go away and my throat feels tight as if I am choking. Tears well up in my eyes when I am reminded of how Duchess won’t be in her bed when I get home. The house feels lonely without her long sighs that possibly indicate boredom or bursts of energy for no reason at all. I am going to miss her literally calling me to go outside and play. It usually works like this… She scratches the door as if she wants to come in, but instead just waits by the door. So I shut the door and she scratches again and when I open the door I get all sorts of expressions and pounces to try to get me to step out. I am going to miss washing her bowls with her separate brush, I know! I actually made sure I used her brush to wash everything in the sink yesterday, especially the kid’s stuff. When I left the house this morning, I was reminded that it is probably important to use the house alarm. With Duchy around, I usually turn it on for Flamin’s sake so that he doesn’t nag me. I miss her smells the most! I know, disgusting, even the fish breathe. She was my sous chef – Keeping her pace between my legs while I cruised around kitchen. She was a lazy pup that leaned on me every chance she got. I will miss that the most because I truly never felt alone with her. She was our leg warmer when we worked from home or pretended to. She was the best cuddle buddy before the kids, but we had to kick her out because I caught her peeing a little! The walks and the water fountains and the tall grass and bunnies and squirrels! She was the lifeblood to our house that I wanted to escape this morning! She is in every nook and cranny of my house!!!! And now it feels so lonely and quiet and alone without her!
Chapter 2: Guilt
I hated to clean your “throw ups”. I gagged every time! And when you got sick and you were throwing up so much, I was annoyed and stressed because it was just another thing to do. Then I saw how tired and sad you were because you had to “throw up.” I knew then that you were suffering, so I told you that “it’s okay” but I don’t know if I meant it when I said it. So I am sorry if I made you sad! When we found out you were sick and you needed to eat up right. I was heartbroken. I knew it was a slow death sentence the minute they said it. I researched it until I was sick to my stomach! I distanced myself from you because I didn’t want to see you sick! I didn’t want to accept it. I didn’t want to get too close because I didn’t want to be left with a broken heart. I feel guilty because I should have been more compassionate while you were suffering. So I am sorry! Yes, I have the normal guilt of not walking you enough or playing catch or teaching you more tricks, but I honestly don’t think you were upset about that either. That’s why you were the perfect puppy dog. The rule about boxers being high energy and needing 2 walks a day did not apply to you!!!! I feel guilty because I don’t know if you know how much I love you. Actually, I didn’t know how much I love you until you were gone! So this really saddens me the most! I didn’t want to take a picture with you yesterday because I didn’t want a physical or electronic reminder of when your last day was. I am clearly not good at showing affection!!!
Chapter 3: Steps to healing
This article says to create a legacy, like we can do funerals, planting a tree, scrap book, and other ways to remember the good times with you. So maybe we can plant a tree and I’ll do a photo book and try to draw a nice sketch of you that I would like to remember you by. We are getting your ashes soon, so maybe we can bury it while we plant a new tree. Early spring maybe?
Duchess Ann Thomas (Duchy, Duchbee, Duchberg, Berg, Burger, Duch and probably a few more) – March 19, 2009 – Jan 19, 2016
I will always remember you as our first born puppy dog berg! You were amazingly cute and had a cute bump on your head that you filled out as you got older. I will remember how you knocked me over when I was 3 months preggars with Eiljah. I will remember walking you one freezing cold morning and almost running back to the house because it was so numbing cold! I will remember playing tug a leash game during our walks. That was so much fun and it always made me laugh out loud. I think other passerby’s thought it was hysterical too! I will remember snuggling with you and hugging you everywhere in the house. I will remember the days when flamin travelled and when it was nighttime we were excited to snuggle together. I remember teaching you high fives and we were working on our roll over… Sorry berg…maybe we can work on that when I see you again. I remember how loving and patient you were. Not really all that loyal to me. But I was your protector when the boys were being too loud or roughhousing or when the kids are about to pop the balloons. Remember how you climbed over the gate in the kitchen! I always knew when you were up to no good…you couldn’t keep a straight face and you wore guilt all over you. Especially if you were sleeping on the couches!!! I feel guilty that I didn’t let you sleep on couches more! I remember going to K-9 and doing lessons with you and how K-9 used you as a model pup to train others! I was a proud mama to say the least. I loved how you knew who family was and received them with an open heart but knew to bark at the furniture delivery guys or solicitors especially when flamin wasn’t around or when I was pregnant.
Now days the kids have a term “GOAT” Greatest of all time! That’s you my duchberg! It is dogs like you that should be out-living us because I feel blessed to be loved by you and take honor in the friendship that we have! Love you infinity times infinity!
Chapter 4: Hope and Prayer:
My prayer for you is that I hope you experience the love and patience, friendship and warmth that we experienced with you while you were here on earth. I hope you get everything you dreamed about in heaven. I hope that I can lead a life so pure the way you did and to be so selfless the way you are. I can’t wait to see you wag your tail/behind and greet me in heaven. So I guess I have to be the one to go first because we all know that you’ll go to Flamin first!!! I wish you all the best in the clouds that Elijah and I think you are in! Rest in peace my friend!
Chapter 5: Wish
I wish you left a guide book and instructions for how to deal with missing you. Or some sort of a back-
up plan where you would visit and gradually tapper off.
Until we meet again,
| Duchess Ann Thomas |
| 19, Jan 2016 |
| Sheena Thomas |