We wish to share with you something very special that we have now set free…
Tuesday July 20th 2004 Bud-Nik was put to rest.
Peace and Joy be with you Bud-Nik
A Final Performance
1992 – 2004
————————————————-
Ya know what?….We’re OK now
~ Better yet…Bud’s at PEACE ~
My last words…
I love you and as his head sunk…I said…
“That’s my boy”
_____________________________________________
Today God gave Geoff and I the strength….
This morning I woke as I do every morning in the last 4 months for my 12 yr old boy, to start my day with giving care to Bud-Nik. With his recent reading on the Cushing’s Disease being perfect and his Insulin doing well…not too mention his pancreas now no longer causing pain you would almost think he was had not been ill. The recent blindness was so secondary in his life…his health was #1.
With Bud’s recent eye problem (cataract in left eye separated from the fibers and the liquid was not draining proper, causing pain with pressure) we knew pain was something we never anticipated on, but the last couple of days we struggled to correct the problem and yes it was working with these drops but very slowly. My feet no sooner hit the floor this morning and I was filling a bowl of water to wash Bud’s eye, you see with the drops it created a gunk that would fill in his eye and throughout the night it would dry and crust…of course I had the alarm set to give him drops at 6:30 (with much need to splash my own face to wake up). So there I sat on the floor and Bud not having as much life in him to participate on the wanting to be awake as he usually does after a couple whistles and a good morning greeting. I could see the pain was there and I had to be ever so gentle. In seconds I was crying and feeling so hurt for my little fellow…I wanted the pain to stop NOW!
Geoff wakes to my tears so often these days as this morning and instantly I said…”I can’t do this any longer” and I wept. You see… we had agreed that if we can give Bud back the quality of life and feel better and if he were to pass on a month later…we’d be happy simply knowing we nursed him better than he was feeling before all this illness. But now we come across more problems and pain this time is involved, I knew it was time to let go.
We agreed and after a cry together, we pretty much decided…forget the eye appointment tomorrow (July 21) and let’s not allow him to suffer. I made Bud a fresh batch of food for his breakfast after clearing his eye as he was now eating the homemade recipe other than the prescribed food suggested, but he chose to come lay down in this room…so sometimes we have to trick Bud to eat and I came in here and seriously this does it every time…I said “Bud ya better get in there and eat, cuz daddy is gonna get your food”! WELL….he sprung up and “RUFFFF” he barks and I had to control him from running into the wall outside the doorway in the hall as he charges…LOL Gulp…Gulp…Burp and Done !!!
After Geoff left for work I knew rest time was needed for Bud and the Aspirin needed to kick in….so I grabbed an empty tote and collected all Bud’s toys (spoiled these days I tell you) and his medications & needles I placed in a smaller tote. I figured that Bud will feel comfort at that moment with one of my clothing items…my flannel PJ bottoms so I gathered them up with my comfy top (I am wearing now) and placed them on the table with a big comforter to take with us later. I cleaned everything needed so I would have nothing to do when we returned. All the plastic containers of food in the garbage and all the dry food in the cupboard in a bag for the neighbours dog. You name it I took care of it. When Geoff returned from work…Bud decided it was time to feel better. He come strutting out and stretching every couple steps…caught a ray of the sunshine’s warmth and thought…this would be a good time to play…Hubcap between the front legs….one good hoof and a bark and send it flying through the back legs…over and over…then roll on it and sniff it and back to the hurling it through the legs.
He decided he was thirsty…and a bit tuckered. While he had his drink I stroked his back and said to Geoff…he is 100% right now…that little bugger makes this hard to do We were so close to saying….OK…we’ll go to the eye appointment tomorrow…then in a split second we agreed….he should leave feeling happy on that note…and a few sniffles I said…”Geoff go buy that steak for our little Bud” Geoff had a sniffle at the butchers cuz they all know Bud and when he asked for a 2″ steak to be specially cut they said…”Your really treating yourself huh?…and Geoff told them it was Bud’s final meal.(sad faces – they knew Bud).
It was 2PM and I said…”Geoff let’s cook that sucker as we can sit and have time to enjoy watching Bud eat it” It had been months since having a T-Bone for him since his illness had started.(I gave him milk too which has also been a no no).
I tried to reach my dad as he had no idea I was doing this…I called my dad’s X wife Patti as they are still good friends…she and my little sister had not talked to him today yet but said they will be right over. I was not sure how I would feel with others around as I wanted to give Bud my full attention….well I am so happy they came…it helped Geoff and I. (Geoff is so emotional about this).I then called my son and told him this is a for sure thing today and that Bud was chowing down on a steak…he was 45 minutes away and he said…I’m on my way! (He never thought I was ever going to be strong enough to do this and to be quite honest nor did I). The hour arrived…we drove to the bus depot to pick up my son….his girlfriend and the little boy Tyler 3 yrs old (who has played an important role in Bud’s life lately, just making him happy and being Bud’s protector).
As we drove pass the Vet’s (where Bud’s doctors are) I said “Look Bud…no more going there…say Bye Bye” (as we chose to take Bud to a Vet where he has never experienced the pain from the past). Malcolm (my son ) was wonderful…took right over to relieve me of the stress I was dealing with and the constant care I had been doing for so many months now. There is something about watching your boy become a man that just sends wonderful fuzzies through me. Patti and my lil sis Tanya were at the Vets waiting…Malcolm took Bud for a final picka poo and we all headed inside. Bud was a show off….we were all in the front sitting area while Geoff took care of paper work and I had some milk bones with me…so Bud flipped one off his nose and caught it…he sat pretty for us all…and he even shook a paw and then laid down on the command for me to shake his back paw….we all clapped and praised him.
Little Tyler for the first time I let walk Bud without my assistance(always in fear of Bud bumping his face) around the area…Tyler was proud (he knows Bud has been sick). We all headed in the room (all of us) and Malcolm picked Bud up and placed him on the table with our big comforter….ahhhhh a smell he knew.Then we rested my jammies next to him…an item he always dragged around the house and my top just under where his head would lay(that I will cherish forever). Malcolm and I gave him a double whammy kiss and we all had a few quick words while they shaved his leg. It was time and I said…wait…..and I kissed Bud’s warm breathing belly one last time…Malcolm was holding him under the neck and around the bottom half just to secure Bud for when the needle was injected…with hands over my shoulders from behind and each of us all touching one another for a connections…the sleeping drug was administered….
My last words…
“I love you” and as his head sunk…I said…”That’s my boy”.
My son’s head then dropped onto Buds side and he wept…I think that was the hardest part for me that broke my heart on top of it all but I stayed strong and rubbed his head.
The doctor she checked his heart and gave us the OK…he’s with Peace.
Right then Tyler noticed a tear in his mothers eye and he looks at me and said…
“Ma ma’s crying” and I leaned down and quietly said “Yes Tyler ma ma’s crying because Bud’s sick” and Tyler puts his hand on his tummy and says…”Tyler sick too” and I said “If Ma Ma Shay Shay (that’s what he calls me for grandma) smiles will that make Tyler feel better”? He replied “Yes” and I smiled as I rubbed Bud with one hand and started to pick Tyler up with the other arm. I asked Tyler if he would like to give Bud a big kiss and yes he did and we all said “Awwwe”. Which then everyone in a matter of seconds said good bye and left the room for Malcolm and I. (Geoff left the room as well to leave my son and I there (Malcolm picked Bud when he was a puppy at the Pet store to bring home). I looked at my son and said…”Ready for another double whammy”? We both leaned down and double kissed Bud one more time….it was then when I could feel that cold wet nose that I loved so much whenever he bumped into my leg….and I kissed his nose and walked away…..
Speaking for myself I was at peace knowing number 1- No more pain. My heart ached so much not like I had ever experienced and yet I was ok with it. I had no idea how important it was going to be for us to have family share this moment with us as I was in fear it would take away my attention needed for Bud…was I wrong.
Pattie…Tanya…Malcolm and his family and of course Bud’s daddy Geoff were every inch as important being there for me as well as Bud. (For those reading this to let you know…Geoff was able to be Bud’s daddy 10 yrs out of the 12 and a half of Bud’s).
We all gathered back at home here and talked for a couple hours about the goodness of all that had taken place today.
I am so at peace with this…tomorrow it may sink in more but I couldn’t have asked for a better day than today as the God I believe gave me a sign…(some may not have beliefs but I do)
Dr Montgomery was so wonderful towards us all and so gentle with Bud, that alone made such calmness for me as a memory!
I thank her for the compassion.
As well as the doctors that cared for Bud through this whole complicated case…I thank.
God Gave Me Strength
He shed his tears on my cheeks from the sky
as I pondered the thoughts to let Bud fly.
He smiled a ray of warmth from above
when I made a choice today from my heart …out of love.
Sharon Moyer July 20th 2004
Bud-Nik…you touched the hearts of many (an overwhelming number) and never have I seen such a response from those who you entertained and loved as well as loved you at to just how human you were…..for that we applaud and thank you….
______________________________________________
July 21st 2004
I knew this would be a difficult time first thing in the morning as I have been like a machine that is programmed to give care daily to my boy every morning on schedule.
We feel his absence yet the presence of his love that will continue to grow through our words, the warmer my heart will feel as each day gives back life for me to share with you the memories as well as my new beginning.
This morning I walked outside onto the back patio and the sun instantly warmed me…and with Bud in my thoughts and the birds chirping this song came to mind…
Morning Has Broken
As sung by Cat Stevens
Morning has broken, like the first morning
Blackbird has spoken, like the first bird
Praise for the singing, praise for the morning
Praise for the springing fresh from the word
Sweet the rain’s new fall, sunlit from heaven
Like the first dewfall, on the first grass
Praise for the sweetness of the wet garden
Sprung in completeness where his feet pass
Mine is the sunlight, mine is the morning
Born of the one light, Eden saw play
Praise with elation, praise every morning
God’s recreation of the new day
Thank you from deep down in my heart…today please smile for Bud’s release
Sharon, Geoff, Malcolm and of course our little guy who is now free…Bud
______________________________________________
Bud-Nik’s Ashes
He is now home with us, where he is loved
Geoff picked up Bud’s ashes on his way home from work lastnight….I asked him if he would be OK doing that or I would do it, he replied that he would be fine. When he pulled up I could instantly see the tears escaping his eyes from where I was standing. I walked outside to the Van to greet them and I asked if he was OK….he said that he was fine but that it was so sad….(all of this that has happened) I too feeling his sadness took a deep breath and with a smile I said…
“Bud would want us to be happy…..then I said…Just think of it Geoff, you got to give Bud a car ride and he couldn’t grrrr at you…lol” (ya see it was my car that only Bud wished to be in and never without me). That made him smile a bit. Then as he handed me the box with the Urn inside (my first time ever experiencing anything like this) and it sat coddled in my hands…I looked up at Geoff in the middle of the road and said “Wow, he’s really lost alot of weight”! Well that made a big smile on his face! I then went onto just how nice it feels to have Bud home and each morning we can greet him. This helps brings closure now to us with our little Bud, it seems that with each day I tell myself that I’ve completed all that was needed for not just me but everyone…then I get working with pictures and poof I make something, but I suppose that’s in me naturally anyways and always will be as I continue to share my loving memories with you all in the future.
I am going to work this afternoon for a couple hours, probably do me some good
I truly love the Urn Bud was brought home in and I think it does bring comfort to us all. I will let him rest there in the livingroom close to us, where there is always so much life. Peace be with you little Buddy!
This morning was a great start…a hummingbird which I never ever see around here (maybe 2 times in 9 yrs) was hovering over the sprinkler as it slowly twirled around the yard and the bird followed the stream….it was too cute!
A sign perhaps….
I love you & Thank You ….Shay (Mommy)
God Bless You Bud-Nik,
| Bud-Nik |
| 20, July 2004 |
| Sharon Moyer / Geoff Dann / Malc |