My precious Lola Bear – I’ll never forget the first moment I saw you. You were sleeping when we came to pick you up and I saw your mom first and thought she was you, because she was so tiny. And then they brought you out with a little red bow around your neck, and I remember feeling like I couldn’t breathe for a moment – I loved you from that first second I saw your tiny little body. You only weighed a pound, and when I wrapped you in that blanket I kept checking all the way home to make sure you were still there – you snuggled your face in and went right to sleep; I think you knew how much I loved you and I like to think you felt safe with me even then.
You helped me wrap Christmas presents that night, and you slept on my chest for the first time, something that we both grew to love so much. Even though my heart was broken, you made me laugh and smile and feel like life was worth living again. We played and chased and cuddled, and you met everyone – they fell in love with you immediately too. We all just stared at you, wondering how it was possible for something so tiny and cute to even exist.
We had some scary times – your little eye and your habit of eating anything you could find brought us to the vet so often that everyone there knew us by name. Strangers would get so excited when they saw you on the street – just the sight of you brought so much joy to so many people, you were so cute and spunky! For those first 6 months we were together, I spent every moment I could with you. Just watching you sleep filled my heart with more joy than I had ever felt before.
For two years you were my best friend, my baby, my shadow – the highlight of every single day for me was when we crawled into bed together and you snuggled up on my pillow with your little face snuggled into my neck. It was always so hard to get up in the morning because you were such a good little snuggler! I hated leaving you to go to work, but I knew I’d find you snuggled into the covers right where I left you when I got home.
I keep replaying the seconds before that car hit us over and over in my mind. I think, what if I’d swerved? What if I had been going slower? What if I’d gone a different way home? Would you still be here? After the airbags went off, I looked down in my lap where you had been and when I didn’t see you there, the panic overwhelmed me. Then I saw you laying on the middle console, not moving, and I screamed your name. I picked you up and your eyes were open, but you weren’t moving. I’ve never been so scared in my whole life. I held you to my chest and felt that your little heart was still beating, and thank goodness that lady was there to take you to the vet when they wouldn’t let me leave. Handing you to her was so hard though, baby girl – I know how scared you get when your momma isn’t there with you. I just kept thinking, it’s Christmas – I can’t lose my Christmas baby today, it’s too soon, it’s only been two years since you were the best Christmas present I could have ever wished for. I prayed that God wouldn’t take you from me, harder than I’ve ever prayed for anything before.
By the time I got to you at the vet you were gone. They said you didn’t feel any pain and I’m so thankful for that. But precious girl, your momma misses you so much – you took a piece of my heart with you and I don’t think it will ever heal. I sleep with your bed every night and I wear your harness on my wrist. Sometimes I think I feel you with me, and other times your absence hurts so much that I feel like it might actually kill me. I miss your smell, I miss your kisses, I miss your silly kicky feet and how you were the worst beggar ever. I miss your tiny nose and your huge bark and seeing you roll and run in the grass. I miss looking down and seeing your little face looking back up at me, I miss seeing your pure happiness for treats and toys and being next to your momma. I miss your little 3 pound body standing on my shoulder in the middle of the night and scratching my cheek if you didn’t have enough space on the pillow. Two years wasn’t long enough, Lola Bear. I don’t understand why you had to go so soon.
I’m so sorry if I let you down baby girl. I always told you I wouldn’t let anything hurt you and I wasn’t able to keep that promise. I regret having you on my lap, even though I know you wouldn’t have been happy anywhere else, because maybe you’d still be with me if you’d been in a crate in the back. I hope you understand and forgive me.
My heart is broken without you sweet girl – you were my whole world and that world has collapsed. I’ve cried more tears than I ever thought possible, and I know there will be many more. My little baby is gone, and I can’t bring you back. The only thing that keeps me going is the thought of seeing you again someday.
There are so many people that loved you, and miss you so much. I know that you’re happy now – that little eye is all fixed and you can eat whatever you want without getting sick, and you can run outside in the grass all the time. You are up there with Grampa and Missy and looking down, probably wondering why your momma is so sad. So I will try not to cry quite as many tears tomorrow as I did today, and I’ll wait until the next moment that I smell you or feel you with me and hold onto it tightly. I still haven’t gone back to our apartment and I am so scared to see your toys and your bed and not see you, but I’ll be as strong as I can. Please be with me when I have to do that, I can’t do it without you.
Maybe God has explained to you why you had to leave – if He has, maybe you could try to help me understand. I miss you so much little girl, and I hope you forgive me for the moments that I could have tried harder or made more time for you. I would do anything to have you back. I am so angry that such a stupid mistake of someone else’s could take you away from me. It hurts so much that all I have left of you is your pawprints and a little of your hair and your ashes. But I know you have little angel wings now – you should have had those from the beginning, because you have
always been my angel.
Momma loves you precious Lola. I will love you forever, and you’ll always live in my heart. Thank you for being the best little girl your momma could ever have wished for.
I love you.
| Lola Bear |
| 25, Dec 2010 |
| Ellie |