Momma by Windsor Terrace / Tricia

Forgive me.

You deserve peace.

I just wish you had had a better life.

They said they saw the mean kids hitting you with a bat. Maybe that’s why you had trouble meowing. No wonder you had trouble trusting humans.

You were a good mom. Neighbors saw you searching for food every day to feed your two surviving kittens. Because of you and the neighbors putting out food, they were so healthy! Yvonne enjoyed you and your babies playing in her garden.

Forgive me for taking your kittens from you. I thought we’d catch you, too, and keep you together. You were too smart. By the time I caught you, your babies were adopted to a loving home. You never saw them again, but people say that would be natural at their age…

When you were trapped, you banged your nose so hard that you were bleeding and it was hard to breathe, especially because of your flu. Afraid you’d die, I took you to the ER in the middle of the night. But they only scared you and couldn’t help you.

I took you to two vets the next day. They said to wait and let you heal in quiet. Again, you were terribly scared and you wouldn’t eat or drink that night. At least you purred when I pet your neck through the cage bars…

When we returned to the vet the next day because you still hadn’t eaten or drunk, you were so terrified that you struggled out of our grasp and hid in the corner, trying to fight us off… The assistant lassoed you and I sobbed as they tried to subdue you. Forgive me. They sedated you, examined you, and gave you IV fluids and nutrition. I gave you antibiotics and cared for you in my bathroom for a week, until your breathing cleared. You had the best food and I sat with you and sang to you… I hope that helped you feel safe.

Just when you were calming down and trusting me, I had to take you back to the vet to get spayed. Despite my warnings and their experience, someone didn’t sedate you in the carrier. You got out and fled around the room again. I’m so angry at them for traumatizing you AGAIN. Then they aborted your pregnancy. Did you realize? Were you sad? Forgive me. The rescue organizations say it’s for the best… It’s unhealthy for you to have litter after litter after litter, and there are so many cats being euthanized every day. They also had me eartip you so you could be recognized if I had to release you. More pain for you. Forgive me.

Back in my bathroom, you rested and healed. We napped near each other, as I lay on the floor near your carrier. Eventually you were brave enough to eat while I sat nearby. You let me touch your arm slowly. But you always let me know not to go farther. You were still too scared.

One night, I opened the bathroom door to let you see the apartment. It was the first time you really perked up… You wanted so badly to get out. I hadn’t realized. Forgive me. You made it very clear that you wanted to go back to your garden, back to your buddies, back to the open air. You didn’t know I had already trimmed back the untamed garden you had used as cover. Yvonne can’t do it herself, so I wanted to help her. I thought you’d go back to the denser gardens on Fuller or Howard. I released you that night you “told” me you wanted out, but no one ever saw you again in their gardens. You jumped from the carrier so fast that all I saw was a blur.

Did you reunite with your friends?
Were you just depressed?

A couple weeks later, I met neighbors who always sit on their porch. They confirmed that no one let their pets outside — and they said a dark brown cat had been hit by a car.

Later I realized it had to be you. No other outdoor cat from our neighborhood was/is dark brown. And no one has seen you since. It was you.

Rest in peace. Humans will never bother you again.

 

Please forgive us.