Jan. 2001 —-July 21 2001 (Sat. – 7:00 am)
Very Playful Shih Tzu Puppy
I had a dog named Alba.
Her joys of running through the giant garden suffering and death
are forever etched in my mind.
Alba was said to have been vaccinated while we bought her in the streets
at 6 mos. old on January 2001. On July 16 Monday she was vaccinated on
the orders of my mom because her vaccination papers were never turned in
by the lady who sold her. If she happened to be vaccinated twice for
rabies in just 7 months instead of every three years we were doomed.
Two days after her vaccination Alba had to be forced to eat her dog food
because her appetite was cut short. On the fourth and fifth day she vomited
everything out and never ate again not even drank a drop of water.
Mom thought this was normal from the vaccination.
Friday morning 6 am her legs and jaws were stiff she could not close
her eyes breathed abnormally very slow..we carried her into a
box with her trying to support her head and arching her neck to the arms
who carried her ( her hair was cut even though she looked thin)
covered her with a warm towel and tried to feed her warm milk which she
could not swallow she’d already locked her jaws in the first place.
6:45 am I woke my mom up because I could not wait for her to wake up
at the usual 7am or 9 am by chance.
She knew the vet’s number and called him/her. He couldn’t come
so we waited for our driver to come. 7:15 I scratched her ear gently and
she sort of licked her mouth occasionally blinked her eyes or moved
them from loud noise of other dogs’ barks and heavy metal dishes
being moved this has happened maybe twice in the span of time
I first saw her eyes open with dried cluttered tears on them.
In the box I constantly checked on her breathing and she moved her
hind legs a bit for the first time her front for the second time.
With her eyes like that I thought she was only asleep I wished I hoped..
I went on scratching to and fro on her ear and I thought I heard the
faintest growl like faint separate water bubbles in a steel goblet
it was very momentary.
So I stopped patting her and thought.. she’s dying and suffering for it… okay
7:30 am driver has arrived. I was being told by my dad that the driver would
bring her to the vet about 5 minutes away so I went into the kitchen
and finally ate my breakfast.
A scoop of pene pasta a wheat bread no make it two with one more
scoop of pene pasta. I proceeded upstairs to my room spent time in the
bathroom looking at myself pretending and practicing I was a photogenic
even though I’m not that pretty.
Mom was on the treadmill just outside daily regimen.
After 15 minutes I went to bed thinking Alba is probably in the vet room by
now and the doctor is doing some run-down check ups and is taking
drastic steps to recover Alba from dehydration– feeding her with lots
of water and nutrients through a tube and applying anesthetic.
Then at a split second my mind was burning with a thought that Alba
had already LOOKED dead even though she was still breathing–
the unblinking eyes.
She must have been very tired suffering dying I dosed of…
my sister didn’t sleep. I woke up at around 12pm and was immediately
told while still in bed that “Alba died! ” in a surprised tone.
I pondered upon the possibility and asked in a firm manner but my sister
rephrased “doctor was gonna come but couldn’t so the driver had to
bring Alba there…. but she already died before she could. what?
But she was alive the last time I saw her and as I got my pene pasta
and bread the driver was already there 2 minutes ago!
She must have died within my steps towards the kitchen table
or within the time I was eating for one minute or just when I was
done eating or when I went upstairs!
Was she dead when I was facing the mirror? When I was going to sleep?
While I was confident? While my mind burned with the question that she
would actually die? Right now I wish I could turn back time.
I could not bear watching her being buried but I also wanted to touch
her one more time. Then memories started to race memories every
owner remembers on the day his or her dog dies.
I slept the whole day but I really didn’t sleep. I woke up at one point and
cried in the bathroom for at least an hour then went back to bed.
Repeated then went back to bed repeating to God
“Please God..Alba is alive Alba is alive…”
thinking miracles do happen and I still hope now because
I have not actually seen Alba being buried.
Even so God might make her reappear in some blessed moment.
If only I bothered my mom from her sleep minutes earlier Alba
would still be alive. That way I would have turned time backwards.
But I’m here and I feel dead because I feel that I have left the
6am moment too quickly that I’ve burned myself like when excessive
amount of fire is switched on the stove in just a millisecond.
How many minutes did she wait..
from before 6am suffering through the cold night on the cement
of the fenced open room whom she shared with irritated Autumn
and best friend Anka to somewhere after 7am.
Where is her spirit now that I cannot see her chasing Anka in the
garden and then running back towards me in turn
in a crazy puppy manner, for the mere assurance that my spirit
was there with her.
Alba I will miss you forever.
I wish God would take me now to see u
in heaven.
I want to see u here NOW and HOLD YOU.
I love you.
Rachelle
| Alba |