Brownie by Liz / Your mama forever.

My baby, you were at the bottom cage on the left hand side when I first saw you at the animal shelter. I was 18 years old and I just lost a good friend to cancer. I ran into the shelter ahead of my father and brother and by the time they entered, I already had you with me. We have never been separated since. Not even one day. I even took you on my honeymoon with me in 2000. The second I walked in the room at the shelter you looked up at me and wagged your tail. From that moment
I knew that you were mine.

As I waited for you in the waiting room I saw a sign that said “Adopting an animal means that you will be making a commitment of at least 15 years”. In my heart I wanted it to be forever. I never thought I would lose you after only 11 years. I am still angry because I felt that you were ripped away from me when you passed away on Valentine’s Day 2005. I knew that you were deteriorating but I was not willing to accept that you were dying of old age. I was willing to do anything and everything to keep you comfortable. On your last two days I fed you ensure, I pureed your favorite foods, I gave you water with a dropper, and you suckled right up until the end.You got me through college and graduate school. The toughest years of my life.

You accompanied me in the park while I studied under a tree. Every so often I would hold you and we enjoyed the nice summer breeze together. I did everything possible to enjoy every moment we had together. I always smelled you and tried to capture that smell in my mind for a time like this. I always gave you extra kisses for a time like this. I sleep with your sweater every night which still has your smell. Remember when I would put my head on your doggy bed and we would nap together? With you, I felt nothing would go wrong. You made me complete. Now that you’re gone, I have learned to not sweat the small stuff. Having you living in my heart now has made me stronger because I know that wherever I go I am never alone. I am not as afraid anymore when I am faced with mean and nasty people in the world. I have taken the time to see the goodness in the people who are good and nice.

Many songs remind me of you in a heart wrenching way such as “I’ve been afraid of changing cause I built my life around you”. Also “I will go down with this ship and I won’t put my hands up and surrender, there will be no white flag up on my door, I’m in love and always will be”. Till we meet again “It’s something unpredictable but in the end it’s right, I hope you had the time of your life”. I still can’t believe it.

I am grateful that you had a merciful death. You died at home and you wasn’t alone. You went to the other side peacefully. But to me it was too soon. I am not ready to think of you in heaven yet. To me,
you are in my heart.

One day I will be ready to let go, but not yet. My sweet baby, I wish I could have done more. I just pray that one day soon I will understand why this had to happen.


It's not good-bye my sweet baby, it's till we meet again.