Posted by Valerie on 7/18/2009, 9:54 pm
This morning I woke up wondering if maybe, just maybe, Bruce somehow could be better – magical thinking. He was very restless last night and kept wanting to go out on the porch – something he never cares about. His breathing remained very labored, fast and he couldn’t get comfortable – couldn’t put his head down – couldn’t lie flat, couldn’t sleep – even with benedryls that vet said might keep him calm and allow him to sleep. He walked from room to room, then did something he hadn’t done in ages – climbed up – with groaning – on the bed and looked straight at me like he wanted me to lie down with him. I did and a couple of minutes later he was up again – wandering around the rooms, unable to relax. the vet called last night and told me the cancer was in his bloodstream and well as in his lungs.
I decided to make him a birthday pie of chicken, rice, graham crackers and bananas – for his 11th birthday just 2 days back. While making his pie, I decided today would be his last day on this earth. I felt ever since the first day we brought him home from the rescue – we have done nothing but the best for him and by him. I felt I wanted him forever. I want my baby am I really going to go through with this? I talked it over with my hubby and mother and decided to take him to a place my neighbor had mentioned. I informed the neighbors of our decision and they all came over to see him, hug him and tell him what a good dog he was and
that they’d miss him.
I even brought Amos out from the yard to give him a “farewell kiss” cause Amos loved Bruce – loved nestling in his fur. The clock was ticking – the day was moving on. We kept watching Bruce restless and groaning when he’s get up – I thought the cancer is everywhere the vet said it was why am I pretending? I got the collar and leash and my husband and I through our tears, saw our way to the Jeep and a neighbor and my hubby lifted him up and into the back. Bruce seemed to love the car ride and I took a video clip of him -he looked so happy – I kept thinking how can he be sooo sick?
We arrived at the facility and the techs came out and immediately started telling him how handsome he was and how much his mommy and daddy loved him and they gushed all over him and before I know it I’m climbing in the back seat with him and getting close to him and they’re telling my husband to get in the front and look over so Bruce can see him and they give him this shot and in about a minute his eyes look happy or something and he’s still sitting up in the car and they give him my birthday pie I brought along for him and to my amazement he eats the entire pie in 10 seconds flat – he had very little interest in food the last couple of days.
The next thing I know they tell me they are giving him another shot and he will go to sleep and they give him this shot and in a minute he lies down and I’m whispering to him “Be with me forever Brucie, you are mama’s babycake” and he looks like he sleeping and then I do not know if they gave him a third shot but they told me he’s gone, no more pain and I’m crying in his fur and asking them if he’s really dead and I hope he won’t wake up later and we’re not there but I must be talking crazy but I’m really feeling
this and thinking this.
My husband is crying saying “my best friend is gone, Bruce you were my best, best friend” and I place some roses I brought over him and I can’t let go of him. His fur is warm and soft like always can he hear us? I pray to God I did not do this in haste or too early – I pray to God Bruce stays with me my whole life and that someday I will see him again. I can’t bear to think of him gone forever it’s too painful.
My babycakes, mama misses her babycakes terribly. I want to see him before they cremate him it is important to me. I love you guys and want you to know that I’m shattered about this and so is my hubby and mom – I keep hearing him in the house I swear I do everywhere I look he is here, everywhere. This is the last video clip I took of him – in the house – this morning after I made the birthday pie for him.
You are my second family and I feel you will understand. I love you all and my heart is so heavy it feels like I hope I did the right thing – a part of me does feel that way but I’m consumed with his being gone,my life feels incredibly empty right now – he was our golden light.