I grew up in a family, that did not get along, nor show each other the love that they should of. We did not communicate or even really look at each other. So when I got my two babies, they became my life. They were my best friends, My Whole Family, and In a way, they were my saviors.
Tonton was a Fox Terrier, and Jesse was a Border Collie Kelpie. We did everything together. They had so much personality, they were amazing. To me, they were not just dogs, they were my world.
We would go out to the river or the park, and would have so much fun. It was the way that we liked it, just the three of us. We were all that we needed. We would do anything for each other, and they proved it by always staying by my side and being loyal. The love that they had was amazing, If I was mad with them, they would forgive me. they never Judged me for mistakes that I made. I was part of their pack,
and not the leader.
Because things were bad at home, and because I suffer depression and anxiety, they were the only things that kept me sane and alive. 2 Weeks after Tontons 4th birthday, she passed away quite unexpectedly and suddenly. Both Jesse and I felt the loss, as hard as you could. things were so so bad, that Jesse began to have problems. He wasn’t eating, and he became unsocial with the other dogs. We still had each other, so we managed to pull through it. The love that we both had for each other seemed double. We were all that we had. Each day was a precious gift that was filled with hugs, kisses, laughter and tears. We could not forget Tonton, but she was well and no longer in any pain.
We started to get back on with our lives. Jesse started at doggy school and I went back to year 11. Exactly 4 months after Tonton’s death, Jesse was diagnosed with Lymphoma. He went through the chemo, and I could tell that he was trying as hard as he could, but eventually the strain of everything broke him, and he gave up.
He would not take his tablets, move, eat or do anything. He layed under the table all day or followed me around the house. eventually his body got to the worst that it could. He was bloated because the fluid buildup was everywhere, including his lungs, which eventually started to drown him. I took him the vets one night, because he had just given up. I could look into his eyes and tell that he was not happy, and in pain.
It was as if he was staying alive for me. He knew that I would not deal with his Passing, so he went through terrible pain, just to be there for me. the time came where I had to make the decision that was based on his well being, and not by what my heart was telling me.
I knew that he needed to be put down, but I could not bear the thought of living without him. At the time, I would of rather had him being in pain, then to not have him at all. My Brain would not let myself do that to him.
Because it was late at night, we had not prepared anything for him. there was no hole dug or anything. I did not want to leave him at the vets, so he was bundled into the car, where he stayed for the rest of the night. My heart tore into so many pieces when I realized what had happened. The next morning, I layed with him in the car for most of the morning. I cuddled him and kissed him, It was as if he was still alive. I could not bear to think about burying him, because once that was done, he would really be gone. I was not myself, all I could think about was being back with Jesse and Tonton. That same say I OD, was was unsuccessful. There have been other attempts over the days that have passed, since loosing Jesse. Now I know that I have to wait for the time that God wants me to back with them. Once that comes, I will, and things will be back as they were last year.
Nothing will be able to heal the pain, that loosing them two has caused me to feel. Nothing will ever be able to replace them, but there will always be room in my heart to love another dog, but it will just take time, to be able to love them for what they are, and not what I miss.
Tonton and Jesse. you two are everything to me, I know that you both are happy and no longer in pain. I cannot express how much I love you and miss you. Not a day passes where I do not think about you. We shall be together again, and when they day comes, we will have so much to tell each other, and to be together again, is the greatest reward that we will ever be able to have.
I love you!