My precious baby boy, Saturday will be a year since you passed out of this world and out of my arms. This time last year I was trying so hard to believe that the Doctor was right and that I was just over reacting and that you were just spoiled. He was right about the spoiled part but so very wrong about how sick you were.
I’ve spend every day since you left wondering if you blame me for not doing something more; but baby I tried. I know that as close as we were in life that you must know that I loved you dearly and that losing you was the hardest thing I ever had to endure. I have gone through all of the emotions – anger, disbelief, incredible sorrow and someday I know the acceptance will come. I have a portrait of you where I can see it every day. The artist captured your beautiful eyes so perfectly. When he gave it to me I cried and he was afraid I didn’t like it.
There are so many times that I ache to have you in my arms (your favorite way to sleep). To have your sweet face against mine when you knew your mom was upset. Believe it or not, even the postman misses you. Everyone on your “hit list” does. I don’t think I’ll ever understand why you had to be taken from me so soon – 7 years was just too little.
I actually came to believe that the reason God decided I would never have children was because he intended for me to have you someday. I know in my heart that you’re waiting for me baby; and someday I’ll hold you in my arms again.
I know that you also know that you have a little brother now. He was my “miracle baby”. I didn’t think that I could go on that Sunday that we laid you to rest. I wanted to die. I looked in the paper that day and there was an ad for mini schnauzers for sale. I was crying so hard that the lady could hardly understand me, but Leonard took me over there later that day and this little furball spitfire waddled into my lap. He seemed so strange to me because he was salt and pepper instead of your beautiful black and silver and this little guy had ears that folded over instead of your “distinguished” cropped ears. But I took him because I was trying desperately to find a reason to go one without you; and I knew that if I had a baby I would have to take care of him.
While you were my little man he is my little monster. I’m sure you’ve had a few good laughs at some of the things he’s done. He is a joy in my life, and I love him dearly, just differently than I love you. You needed me as much as I needed you; he just needs to play.
This Sunday I will celebrate the one year aniversary of me becoming his mom. This Sunday I will mourn the loss of the most precious love of my life; but son, I will also celebrate the years that I was gifted with you; because you brought me more joy, comfort, laughter, love and happiness that I had ever known in my life.
Until the day that your mom comes to be with you; watch over us; laugh with us and wait patiently for me. I love you baby; no amount of time will ever change that and no amount of time will ever heal the wound that losing you left.
With never ending love,
Your Mom
| Veronica Weber |