My big girl Kelsey, the obsessive/compulsive licking, frisbee nut. We were only happy when we were together, weren’t we my sweet baby girl? You are my soul mate, my best girlfriend, the best girl in the whole world. We did have some grand times together. You taught me God’s unconditional love and I am forever grateful. I miss you so much. My heart is broken and empty without you by my side. I am so thankful the last words you heard were “Mommy loves you.” Your sweet spirit went from my arms to God’s arms.
I miss kissing your face and seeing your wagging tail when I come home from work. You barked a loud welcome announcement each time we returned home. You always licked me and then leaned against my legs or turned for a butt scratch. I could always count on you for a warm welcome home, no matter how bad my day had been.
If I had known that Friday would be our last day together, the last time I would see your sweet face and look into your loving eyes, the last time I would smell your musky soft fur, I would have done things so differently. I wouldn’t have put you in the car to drop you off at the vet’s office for surgery. I wouldn’t have gone to work while you were put under anesthesia to remove those lumps that were growing so fast. When I picked you up that evening and I knew you didn’t feel good, I would have made the vet look at you again to tell me why you were walking so slowly and why your stump of a tail wasn’t going a mile a minute like it always was. But I just wanted to get you home, baby girl, where I knew you would be most comfortable. Later that night, when I saw that you were still uncomfortable, I would have put you in the car that minute and raced you to the E-clinic. But you didn’t tell me your tummy hurt. Why, Kelsey? Why didn’t you tell me you were hurting like you always had told me before? If you had only come and put your head in my lap, like you’d done so many times before, I would have known you needed something. I didn’t realize you were in trouble until it was too late. By the time I got you in the car and to the E-clinic, you were already gone. My baby girl, dead in my arms on the way to the vet. I still can’t believe that you’re not here with me. I’m sorry, my sweet girl, that I’m so stupid I didn’t see your pain sooner so I could get you help.
I couldn’t say “do you want to go bye-bye ?” without you getting so excited. You would race to get your frisbee and then bark with it in your mouth. Seeing your utter delight and hearing that muffled “ruff” always made me laugh. Now, I can hear it only in my dreams. I miss you riding shotgun in my car with me. I miss you cuddling with me on the sofa, with your front end on and your hind feet on the floor. I would read or watch tv while you snoozed and snored. Your face got so hot pink when you were sleepy. I was never lonely with you at my side. You took a part of my heart with you, my four-legged daughter. I couldn’t have loved you more if I gave birth to you myself.
When you and Sasha would have rawhides to chew, you always finished yours first. Then you would lie next to Sasha and whine for hers. You would suddenly jump up, bark and run for the front door, like you had heard a knock, like someone was there, but as soon as Sasha would get up to join you, you would run back and take her rawhide. Anyone who thinks a dog cannot reason never met you.
You are the only dog I’ve ever known that could eat cereal from a spoon and not lose a drop of milk. I loved it when you sat next to me and drooled while I ate, even if I did fuss at you for begging at the table. You always shared my meals and I miss that too.
The air is silent, cold and empty without your bark and your sweet soul running around the house and yard. I had to move the bed you found so comfortable because I cannot bear to see it empty. I’m blessed with the memory of you climbing into bed with us just last week because you got cold during the night. You laid up against my legs, under the covers and slept so soundly. I will always remember how warm you were lying next to me.
I walk outside and you’re not there with your frisbee in front of you, head cocked so you can keep one eye on me and one on the frisbee. I’m so glad I threw it for you on Friday morning. You always caught it, no matter how bad the throw. How will daddy cut the grass without you following him with the frisbee? He never got annoyed, no matter how many times you dropped it in front of the mower. He would throw it for you and watch you leap to catch it in the air and then go back to mowing.
Who could forget how obedient you were? We took four classes together, but it wasn’t work was it? We had fun just being together. You would sit, down and stay (even when daddy would tempt you with cheese). You would speak or quietly “huff” for whatever tidbit was offered. You would shake our hands and roll over onto your back–we only had to ask.
No one who ever saw you do the “ugly face” can forget it. You would growl and snarl up your lip to show your teeth every time mom would ask you to. But you did not have any meanness in you. It must have taken a lot for you to muster up that face. I have that on video and have watched it a hundred times since you’ve been gone.
I’m sure Sasha wonders where you are, although she was there with us the night we lost you and knows that you’re no longer in your body. She tries to comfort us when we cry, but there just is no comfort to be found for our despair.
You are the heart of my heart and I cannot wait to see you again. It gives me comfort knowing you are running with your best friends at the bridge. I hope that you and Blue are bouncing and play fighting like you did when you were pups. I hope that my father finds you and that you get to know each other well. If he had been alive to know you, he would have loved you like we did.
I thank God for allowing me to know you, even if I’m cursing him now for taking you before we were ready for you to go. But then, we would never have been ready for that, would we? I have your ashes in our bedroom. I will keep a watch over you now as I have done for the past nearly nine years and when I go, you will be placed in the casket with me. Our bodies will lie together in eternity. Our souls will be together again then. I know you will be there to lick my face when I join you in Heaven. I’ll bring your frisbee so we can play together again. I love you baby girl. You will always be here with me in my heart.
Hugs and Kisses from Mommy
Forever in my heart: Kelsey Jackson Brown (December 30, 1998 to October 19, 2007), rest in peace my sweet girlfriend, until Mom comes for you.
I shall never forget-
The sweetness of your face,
The softness of your fur,
The brightness of your eyes;
Your playful personality.
I shall always remember–
The happiness that we shared,
The way you licked my face,
Your drooling when I fed you;
Your unconditional love.
I shall always treasure–
Your first day with us,
Your toughness during illness,
Your last day on this earth;
Your glorious life with us.
I will always love you,
|Kelsey Jackson Brown|
|19, Oct 2007|
|John & Kristine McCreery|