Well, Lane it has been over 2 months now since you passed away & the pain I feel from losing you is excruciating. I think of you at least a hundred times a day & sometimes it puts a smile on my face, but most of the time I break down in tears because I just miss you so much. I am so ridden with guilt over the reason for your death…I will never, ever forgive myself…no matter what anyone says…I should have done more research on vaccinations & I shouldn’t have trusted the vet…There’s a lot of things I shouldn’t have or should have done. And now I feel like I’m drowning in the guilt of it all. I am so truly sorry…I can’t even describe to you how sorry I am for what has happened to you.
You were the last living thing on this earth that deserved this. I was talking to Daddy & telling him how you were really the most innocent being that I’ve ever experienced in my whole life. You were such a loving, protective & faithful little girl…and Mommy will NEVER forget that. I’ve never felt so protected in my life the way I felt when you were with me. Now, I feel naked & cold without you. Whenever I felt stressed out about anything, you would come over & forcefully lay up against me on the living room floor…and at that moment I would take a deep breath & realize that as long as I had you & Daddy by my side I could get thru anything. Now, the peace that you gave me is gone & I’m just so sad & depressed. You have had such a profound impact on my life in the 5 & 1/2 short years that we were together…I just wish so bad that you were still here with me! I can’t describe the sadness that I feel so deep within my heart…sometimes I cry so intensely that it literally feels like my heart is breaking. I wish that I could somehow know, for sure, that you knew that I was there with you at the hospital the whole time everything was happening? I wish I knew for sure that you could hear me & feel me when I was talking to you & kissing you & hugging you? I know you were so traumatized by being in the hospital like that…I only let you stay there because I thought that they could save you?
I wish that you would have been at home with us when you passed, instead of in that hospital! I’m so sorry, babe. I’m so so sorry, baby girl. I love you so much & you will always be such a huge part of me for the rest of my life…ALWAYS…..