Well, how do I start? You nearly saw your ninth birthday this year, but I guess you just weren’t meant to be with us that long. You deserve better than us…
Do you remember what happened on April 28th? Jessica, your best friend and our other girl, had her eight puppies. Eerily enough, April 28th was exactly two months before your unexpected passing. You didn’t like them at all. You even managed to get rid of one all by yourself. Naturally, our human nature caused us to be furious at you. So while Jessica and her pups took your room, you were locked up in the greenhouse, probably wondering why you got in trouble.
Well, all eight pups didn’t make it, and we ended up with three survivors. Whenever I let you out, Jess would see you through the double doors that led to the room where I let you outside and would immediately get up, thinking she was going with you. She didn’t mind the whining puppies who had been spilled upon the floor in the middle of their meal. She yelped, wanting to go out with you, and you yelped back. That was when I thought that she may have been willing to let the pups die if she could have you back in there with her. Who knows how a mother thinks… Well, when I saw that, I knew you really needed some attention. So I promised to visit you every day. But, as my tempted human nature would have it, I stopped after about four or five days.
So the puppies got plenty of attention, of course. This month, when they could finally run around and play, especially. We would take them out in the backyard with their mother, while you were locked on the other side of the gate. Once we let you in there, but you obeyed your instincts to snap at them. Again, you were frowned upon and locked back up. So there you stayed, behind the wooden gate, watching and crying as we enjoyed our last few days before the puppies were taken to their new homes. Unexpectedly, we ended up being stuck with one, still needing to look for a home considering the fact we had two dogs and one cat already.
So the plan was to drop little Naru off at her home that week, then on the weekend, we would be taking Aero out of town to the apartment to meet his new family. Kanako was planned to go to our friend’s home, but the plan fell through and they couldn’t take her. So we tried desperately to give her a home to someone we knew and trusted, rather than a complete stranger. Naru’s plan had worked, and she is now living in her new home. Aero’s new owner had called that Sunday, though, and would have to delay the adoption for another week. So we kept the two of them all week.
Things happened so fast and so unexpectedly. Wednesday night, while being fed, you came running to the bowl, making sure you were the first to eat, as usual. Then on Thursday night, Mom made a discovery…
Friday afternoon, while getting ready to leave for the apartment, I noticed a new gate to keep you guys in your room. I figured it was about time, considering the puppies had managed to topple the other one to the ground. Then I spotted a new bag of puppy food on the counter. I asked Mom why she had purchased a whole other bag, considering we only had one puppy to feed, whom would be leaving soon anyway. That was when she told me that it was for you because something was wrong. She explained to me that you had thinned and a gland on your rear had developed and swollen. I immediately wanted to see you in case you didn’t make it over the weekend. They told me you would be fine, but I had to see you. I didn’t listen and walked out the door to the backyard to see you sitting in a lawn chair on the deck. I called you, and when you tried to jump off, you had fallen and couldn’t stand on your feet. So I picked you up and placed you back onto the chair, and as I lifted you, I felt your ribs sticking out further than they ever had. Taking a closer look, I felt like I was looking at a dog who hadn’t eaten for weeks. How could anyone grow so weak in two days, I wondered? I apologized for being angry at you and stroked you until I finally had to leave.
During the entire weekend, I thought about you. I somewhat expected death, but I hoped that we could at least take you to your appointment on Monday to see what had happened. I prayed and prayed that I would have the chance to say goodbye one more time. It was useless, though…
When I returned this afternoon, I saw my brother talking to Dad. Immediately, I knew something was wrong. I prayed that it wasn’t what I thought… but it was. I cried into my hat for a few minutes, then went inside. Dad tried to call Mom, but there was no answer. A few minutes after my friend and I had gone upstairs, you were buried in the backyard. I went outside to “pay respects”. Unfortunately, I was too afraid to say anything. I would rather talk to you alone rather than in front of my family. Then when Dad went to the store, Mom called his cell phone, which was charging. I picked up. She asked why I was answering it, and I told her it was charging. She asked where he was, and I told her he was at the store. She asked about you and I broke the news to her. I think she may have taken it harder than all of us. Maybe because she expected it the least.
Now that you’re gone, I’m almost speechless. You were my first pet loss. It’s funny, though– All the tributes to lost pets I’ve read talked about how they were missed so much because of all the time that they spent together. Sadly, you were pretty neglected by us. We didn’t walk you or Jessica very much. It was hard to spend time with you two considering you would make such a terrible mess in the house whenever we let you out of your little room. So I guess I’m grieving the fact that I didn’t spend enough time with you. I can’t imagine what life is going to be like from now on without seeing a little white dog lead Jessica into the house after your outside time. Without someone digging and being seen frequently running around the neighborhood. Without someone to keep Jessica in line, and make sure she knows who gets the treats or water or food first.
I don’t know why God took you away from me before your vet visit…Maybe He knew that if we had to put you down, I could never do it, no matter how much pain you were in. He knows my selfish human nature wanting you to stay with me for as long as possible, even if it were in vein. I trust Him to take care of you…Still, I wish I could have seen you one more time. But then again, I was lucky that my instincts told me to see you before I left…so I am thankful for that.The guilt just riddles me, though. I kept telling you to stop whining because as soon as the puppies had left, things would be back to normal with you and Jessica. I guess things will never be that kind of normal. Soon, “normal” may be defined as Jessica and Kanako staying in that little room. Surely, Kanako will never replace you, though.
I wish I had spent more time with you… but I’m sure you’re getting all the attention you need now, and not just through a gate in a small room. And one day, I, too, will “arrive at that place where the sun shines warmly”. Jessica and Kana will, too. Along with the rest of the family. Meanwhile, keep waiting for us, and we’ll keep waiting for you.
Still Loving You,
| Maggie |
| 28, June 2003 |
| Mama |