Neo, Heart of my Heart by Patricia Russell / Mama

My sweet, Neo. I’m not sure you ever knew what you gave to me, what you did for me. For sure, you knew I loved you deeply. But you brought so much to my life, too.****

You Protected me, Little One. I know you may not understand that but you did. So many times I went to you when I had no hope left. When my world seemed to be dissolving right in front of my eyes. You protected me from myself and from the harsh world.****

You brought Joy to my heart and so many smiles to my face. I think I may have lived these past 6 years without ever a smile if it weren’t for your funny ways and your sweet love. Often, laughter would fill the rooms because of you. You brought laughter where there was none.****

You brought me such immense Comfort. I can’t count the days I would go to you and pick you up and hold you close. I would bury my face in your fur and breathe deep. I would squeeze you and take note of your warm, soft body. At brief moments, I was amazed you were in my arms. A living soul that loved me so deeply. The comfort you gave cushioned my struggles. It made my life easier and gave me the strength to keep fighting. ****

You brought me Peace, Boo. Days when I was so distraught I couldn’t even see through the tears. Days when I felt so alone my heart literally ached. I would go to you and one touch of your fur, one look at your sweet face and those big eyes looking back at me, one sound of your musical greeting would lift me. In one single moment, I knew I was not alone. I knew I was loved deeply. I knew I was needed. In one breath , the peace would begin it’s journey back into my heart.****

You brought me Hope, my sweet Neo. Hope that there would be another day. Hope that soon the struggles would end. I could not look at your loving eyes and not feel hope for a better tomorrow. You gave me the hope to keep fighting for my health and for the life I want.****

You gave me Companionship, Baby Boy. So many hours, each day alone, with the walls as my friends. Except for you. Hours of isolation and my doubt if I would ever recover and have a normal life. You were my little shadow. You were never far away and often by my side. My days were filled with my fight to recover, sometimes filled with just illness, that took all my strength to fight against, but always there was you. Always close by to watch me, always close by to coo to me, always close by to head butt me for pets, always close by to love me. You were my little shadow and I am so grateful for your friendship.****

You were my Life, Sweet Pea. So many times I would’ve given up. So many times I had no reason to keep fighting except for you. When I was apart from you I couldn’t wait to get back to you. When my eyes couldn’t see you I couldn’t wait to seek you out so I could see your beautiful soul. You were in my thoughts continuously. When I would come back after being away for even a couple hours my heart would jump and the smile would break to see you waiting for me. You filled me up to overflowing with love and you gave my life, which isn’t much right now, so much meaning.****

I’ll miss you so much more and love you so much more then I could ever express in words. You were my once-in-a-lifetime companion, sweet boy. There will never be another that I’ll love so deeply. I’ve no doubt someday God will send me another little companion and I’ve no doubt they will be special but none will ever command the love you did. None will ever come close to Us. You were taken from me too soon. I really believed we could beat the cardiomyopathy. I really believed you would be the one that beat the numbers. I really believed we would be together for so many years. I feared something was wrong those last couple days. I never thought I would lose you. I would give you some more medicine. I would take you in for ultrasounds more often. But I would never lose you. And I would never lose you the way I did. You deserved so much better, baby boy. You deserved a peaceful end to such a beautiful life. I am so sorry you were so scared.

I’m so sorry it was so difficult for you to breathe. I never knew until I saw you struggling that day how deeply painful it is to see a loved one hurting. My heart was breaking with each labored breath. I kept singing your song hoping it would fix you. Hoping my love would be enough to empty your lungs. I never thought I would be the one to take you away from me. I couldn’t watch you go through it anymore.

I love you so much I had to set you free. I’m so sorry you struggled, baby boy. You deserved so much better. I will miss everything about you. I will miss the way you wanted me close while you ate, the way you would greet me in the bed first thing every morning, the way you would carry your tail straight up screaming to everyone “Hello!”, the way you would flop in my arms and we’d play Super Kitty, the way you would so earnestly ask me to pick you up and hold you… your eyes pleading with me while your paw reached out for me. When I did come close and you stepped up on my shoulder and I wrapped my arms around you I would feel you pressing so hard against my neck hugging me back the only way you could. I always knew how you felt when you did that because I felt the same way, too. Sometimes I just couldn’t be close enough to you. I love you SO much. I will miss the way you would jump up in the kitchen chairs when I cooked to keep me company, the way you would sleep on your back with all four paws curled so cutely, the way you would only lay on the bed if it was made, the way you would lay with your legs crossed like you were royalty but not an arrogant bone lived in your body, the way you would rub yourself silly against the rubber tires on the dolly, the way you would come to greet me at the door when I had been away, the way you would chatter at the birds so excitedly, the way you got up with me in the middle of the night when my blood sugar was low, the way you’d stretch as you walked, the way we’d squint back and forth and tell each other how much we loved the other in kitty language. I will miss watching you wrestle with your brother.

I will miss how you went nutso over the laser pointer and would come running from anywhere as soon as you heard it. I will miss how you so adored the Christmas tree and laying under it, how you could not be separated from me first thing in the morning and even the bathroom door wasn’t enough to keep you from me. I will miss you and everything that was you, Boo. I’m not sure how I will move through my life.

My heart will never be the same again. The love you put there changed it for a lifetime and your absence has changed it, too. I don’t know how I will face my days alone without my friend. I’m not sure how but I know I will. I, also, know that I am counting the days until we are together again. Each day that passes brings me closer to you. I will watch for you, Neo. I will look everyday for signs that you’re visiting me still. I will blow kisses up to heaven everyday and I’ll never, never let go of the love we shared for each other. I would have done anything for you. I wish I didn’t have to let you go but God left me no choice. I would have given up ten of my own years or even twenty so you could’ve had them. I wish I could hold you right now. I wish I could kiss you right now. But knowing someday I will is what will keep me going. You were my Life. You were my Everything, Neo. I will love you ‘til the end of Eternity and I’ll miss you with each beat of my heart. I’ll be Home soon, baby boy. Mama will be Home soon.

 

I will forever Love and Adore you!!
Neo, Heart of my Heart
5, Nov 2007
Patricia Russell