Ode to the Love of My Life:
Cocoa continues to go downhill. She can barely stand up and hasn’t eaten for several days. I’m sure that some of my blues come from knowing that soon I’ll lose her. I hope God is merciful with her and kind. I know he will be. They say all dogs go to heaven and I know it must be true. Just think she’ll see Hershey again and they can play the way they used to. I remember when she was younger and he was a pup, they would play with each other on the den rug. She would pin him and then he would pin her down. Yet while they played with one another, the pinning down was always so gentle. Then when they were tired, they’d sit next to each other and Hershey would cross his feet in front and look like a judge. Every time when they were outside, if a stranger came up, Hershey would place himself between the stranger and Cocoa. He always protected her and after he died, Cocoa never liked being outside by herself. The only time she would go outside for any period of time was if we were out there working in the yard or swimming.
Cocoa has always been there for me. Her big loving eyes, her touch, her scent, her ears, her snuggles. I can remember the day we brought her home. I put her on my pillow that night so she wouldn’t cry for her mother and she was perfect all night. She must have sensed the love right away. She was easy to train because she was so eager to please. All I had to do was remember to take her out periodically and praise her when she used the bathroom. I can remember saying in the warmest tone, “Good girl!”
I remember so plainly the day she had her pups. She delivered on the exact day she was due. We had friends over using the pool, and all of a sudden I realized she wasn’t around. Walter found her in the back of my closet birthing her pups. She was such a good mother and we didn’t have to do anything for her. She and God just made six perfect puppies. We had prepared a little box for her to have her pups in, but she wanted the privacy. She didn’t seem to mind at all when we all crowded around her in the closet watching her give birth. Each time she would break the sack that contained a little brown pup and lick them clean. After a few hours, we moved she and her pups to the little bed we had made and she seemed happy. She never complained when we held one of her pups, but she wouldn’t let anyone else near them. She had strong instincts and was the perfect mother. The next day I shampooed the carpet in the closet, but every now and then she would walk back in there and sniff. I think she was remembering too.
I remember when the pups got their teeth and it hurt for her to let them nurse, and she weaned them perfectly. Somewhere there is a picture of she and her pups in the back yard. I need to find it. It was a pretty day and the grass had just been cut, and we took all six pups and Cocoa out to the back yard. She laid down and her pups cuddled closely. Every now and then one would wonder off a little and she would take her nose and nudge her babies back near her.
She loved the lake and the lake house. I think she enjoyed the freedom that she had there since we had no fence. I’ll always remember the day when she got out of the boat at the marina and we didn’t realize she had done that. I was with Cliff Webb, a friend of Walter’s that was visiting us, and didn’t realize she was gone until we gotten back to the house and were unloading the boat. I went flying back to the marina and someone was on the dock holding a wet and soaked dog by the collar and I started yelling Cocoa. I was never so thankful to a stranger in my life. He said she was out there swimming and had gone under three times and he pulled her out of the water. At first he thought she was a muskrat. I truly had never been so relieved and I think Cocoa was too. She seemed so happy to see me and on the way back to the lake house, I stopped the boat and just got down on the floor and loved her and talked with her. I told her how much I loved her and how happy I was that I had found her and that she was my girl and that she was safe again. When I thought about how she was swimming to try to catch the boat, my heart hurt so painfully. I think she would have swam until she drowned she was so devoted to us.
Got to go and see if she is still downstairs. We watch TV together late at night and that is just another example of her devotion and love. I need to spend time with her while I have her.
May 4, 2001
Cocoa died today. I think I heard the angels sing when she left us. A part of me died too. I don’t think my heart will ever heal.
She was in such poor health that she couldn’t stand at all and had begun to be incontinent. Also, she couldn’t squat to urinate anymore. There just wasn’t any strength left in her body and legs. I carried her everywhere she went and tried to make certain that I turned her often, as she got tired of lying in one position and on one side. Her breathing had become shallow and when you looked into her eyes, she wasn’t there. She hadn’t eaten food in about a week and also didn’t drink water. She was down to nothing but skin and bones, literally. It’s as if she willed herself to die.
I didn’t want to give her up, but I couldn’t stand to see her like she was. I also didn’t want to take her to the vet and leave her, so we called Dr. Suber to come to the house. I spent time outside with her as the time came close. It was a sunshiny day and it was midday. I held her and loved her and told her how much she had meant to me. But I don’t think words could ever begin to express my feelings and love. Somehow I know she knew the end was near too. We then went into the den and I continued to hold her. Then I heard the doorbell ring and knew that Dr. Suber was there. I felt my heart ache with pain, literally.
I held her in my arms when the injection was made. One of my hands was under her chest to support her. She went unconscious and slumped and then, shortly after that I felt her heart stop beating. I then got her up in my arms and cuddled her for a long time. She looked so pretty and beautiful, even in death. I tried to close her eyes for her, but they never completely closed. I truly think her spirit was still there with me while I held her for the last time. It’s as if I felt her all about me.
This has been the hardest day of my life. I lost the best friend, confident and buddy I’ve ever had or hope to ever have. It’s like she was ripped from me and a part of me was torn out and was bleeding. I’ve never cried so much, yet it was my love for her that wanted her suffering to end.
May 7, 2001
I miss Cocoa more than I ever imagined I would. It’s hard to sit down at the table for dinner at night because she was always there. I can’t go downstairs and watch TV late at night because she’s not there. She would never go to bed until I went upstairs at night. When I worked, she was always by my side. If I went upstairs, she would follow. If I went downstairs, she would come with me. She always liked to be in the kitchen when someone was cooking. She’d be in the laundry room when I washed the clothes and folded them. She’d even follow me into the bathroom if I inadvertently didn’t close the door all the way. She almost drowned following my boat. She was my companion and best friend. Her love and devotion was totally unconditional.
Best of all, she knew how to listen when I needed someone to talk to. She knew my every feeling and emotion just as well as if I had told her. All it took was one glance with her beautiful eyes and I knew she understood. I think I talked to her more than any other human soul. I know angels carried her to heaven and she is at peace, but yet, in a strange way, I still feel her presence.
I’ve gotten some plants for her grave. I think she’d like that.
I’ve always known that she would someday die, but I never knew I would miss her so much. It’s as if the house is haunted with her memories. My patterns were her patterns. All of a sudden, this house is so empty and big. There is such a void. I feel like with Chris’ moving out and Cocoa dying, that everything I love is leaving me. There must be a reason for all this happening at one time.
I’ve been on one of my cleaning binges and I find it’s best if I keep busy. I’ve scrubbed the sundeck furniture and planted plants on the deck. I’ll do some more tomorrow. There’s something about working with your hands in the dirt that is good therapy.
Till we meet again ,
| Cocoa |
| Cynthia Tuten |