Feb. 1971 —- May 25 1985 ………….. April 1985 —- July 11 1995
Although death has touched my life on many occasions
none has caused me so much pain as the anticipatory death
of my beloved best friend my constant companion…my dog Nooky.
No one person in my life has given so much of himself or herself as
my dog gave to me.
Through the hills and valleys of my life his love trust and
loyalty never faltered.
As the years went by he aged…but I didn’t see it.
My eyes were blind to his suffering; I didn’t want to let go.
Eventually through his eyes I finally saw.
With a broken heart the decision was made.
My veterinarian couldn’t come that day I had to wait three.
The grave was dug…the wait continued. I changed my mind
a thousand times during those three days.
I tried to rationalize why I shouldn’t do this but then I would look
in his eyes and they told me
“Please don’t make me suffer anymore.”
The night before his death it was just he and I.
As much as I tried I couldn’t say “Good-bye.”
Instead as I looked at him sleeping I wrote the following:
“I watch you sleeping you seem to be resting comfortably…
but I know better don’t I?
I feel as though my thoughts are those of betrayal because I know what
I have been deciding and you don’t. When he gets here you’ll look at me,
and I’ll tell you ‘it’s okay he’s a friend.’ And as he nears you
you’ll look at me again only this time your eyes won’t be searching
questioning…they will be filled with love and trust…because I’ve
told you he’s a friend and you won’t fear him.
When he produces the needle you won’t try to hide.
You’ll lay there…brave as always. You’ll look at me still again,
unceasingly trusting me and you won’t cry out or whimper as the
needle pierces your skin…and I’ll thank you over and over again as
you go to sleep one last time. And you and I? We won’t say “Good-bye.”
How can I say good-bye to fourteen years of my life?
You will always be with me my friend. I’ll continue seeing you
asleep in your corner of the couch and every night I’ll l ay out your blankets,
because old habits never die…and neither do old friends.
I fear more for myself I think than I do for you…your suffering will
finally be over but mine will just be starting.
I don’t know if what I’m doing is best for either of us.
I don’t know what’s ‘best’ anymore. How will I live myself afterward?
How will I tell my heart not to ache? Will you forgive me my friend?
I know you’ll always be there protecting and guarding me as you
did your entire life. In my mind and in my heart you will live on…always.
You are the best friend I ever had or will ever have.
Your loyalty faith trust love and companionship have been my
greatest possessions. When all else failed you didn’t.
Through the years you have been there exclusively for me.
In times of trouble you were there for me to cry on.
You never got impatient listening to me pour my heart out because I had
no one who cared as you did. Oh…and the joy you and I have shared!
You are leaving me a legacy of wonderful happy memories…
you were my ‘Joe’…remember? You try so hard to be as you were
but age has taken it’s toll. I see the frustration in your eyes as you struggle
to walk and find that you can’t. I hear the unspoken
“Please help me,” when you stumble fall and can’t stand up again.
I see the determination when you try so hard to get up…you are so
independent…but can’t because your hind legs won’t hold you.
Please let me be your legs. Please? Don’t look at me like that.
Together we can do it! Oh Nooky please don’t look at me like that.
How do I live with the guilt…” Nooky died on May 25 1985.
The pain of his death still lives within me.
Caring people told me I should hurry out and get another dog to
help me through the grieving process. After careful consideration
the decision was made to get another not to replace Nooky but to
help fill the void left by his absence.
“Nooky’s Little Joe” came into my life in mid-June 1985.
A little butterball of a puppy he soon grew into a majestic German Shepherd.
As Joe grew my love for him grew. He never replaced Nooky in my heart
but he certainly carved out his own little place.
Little by little he took bigger parts of my heart until one day I realized
that I could look back and know that I had made the right decision for Nooky,
and my pain was eased. Joe filled me with joy and just as his namesake
had done he took my heart and made it his.
I was completely devoted to him and he to me. He was first to greet my eyes
every morning and last to see me off to sleep every night.
He was my guardian my confidant…my buddy.
Tuesday July 11 1995…something’s wrong. I can feel it as I wake.
Joe’s in the hall I see his tail but something’s not right. His fur looks odd.
“Joe what’s the matter?” he looks at me without lifting his head.
I lean against the wall sliding down “Joe?” His head is in my lap
the house is quiet. It’s just he and I everyone is still asleep.
“Oh God please don’t do this!…Joe…please!”
His head is still in my lap. “Oh Joe…” He’s looking at me…I see his
beautiful brown eyes…they are saying “I waited for you.”
With a final breath my Joe died. I had been awake for less than five minutes.
It began to rain I could hear it against the windows.
The angels in heaven were crying with me.
Joe’s death hit me harder then Nooky’s death because it was so unexpected.
He had just been given a clean bill of health the previous week.
I spent the next four days in total darkness both physically and emotionally.
When I finally emerged from the basement I knew my life would
never be the same…my shadow was gone forever.
As time went on discussions turned to getting another dog.
“No! No more dogs. I can’t do this anymore.”
But sometimes others know what’s best and “Joe-Joe’s Derringer”
entered my life. Although I didn’t know it at the time Derringer would
soon become my “Angel.”
Sometimes I look at him and see him other times I see three rolled into one.
Nooky was the Heinz-57 of the three. Where Joe grew into a majestic black
and tan German Shepherd Derringer has grown into a magnificent
pure black German Shepherd. Life with Derringer is a full time job.
He is demanding of all our time love and energy.
But what he takes he returns seven-fold.
He is the center of our world as we are the center of his.
Because he is pure black I can’t help but think God sent him to us to pull
us out of the blackness left in Joe’s wake…and I thank God
everyday for sending me my “Angel.”
Sometimes others really do know what’s best.
Judy
| Nooky & Joe-Joe |