1988 —– July 26 2001
Orange Cat
Thursday started out just like any other day.
The alarm went off wearily I climbed out of bed.
My orange cat Vincent waiting patiently by the shower door.
As I went downstairs to get my morning coffee I patted him and said
“I’ll be right back honey” as was typical every morning.
Within minutes I heard a “thud” coming from upstairs.
Seconds later an eerie distress call from Vincent.
I ran upstairs my husband flew out of bed.
Vincent lying on the floor still as if he’d been hit by a car.
I tried to revive him I remember saying “Vincent honey don’t die”
Seconds later he gasped for air that was it.
My companion of 14 years was gone in the blink of an eye.
In complete shock I picked him up cradled him in my arms crying
not believing what just happened.
All I could think was “this cannot be happening not here
not today not now”.
There wasn’t anything we could do.
My husband laid him in a box nestled in a blanket.
I held him and talked to him – my tears endless pools of grief.
We waited almost two hours for the vets to open.
My husband supportive and solemn drove Vincent to the vets.
I knew this was the last time I would see him.
Although it didn’t matter at this point we had to know what happened
to my beloved family member. It seemed like days before the
vet would call but in reality it was only a couple of hours.
The verdict was in. The vet said he died of hypertrophic cardio-myopathy,
a heart condition. The rest of the explanation was a blur of medical terms.
There was no way anyone could ever tell he had this heart condition
until an autopsy was performed.
Nothing anyone could do could have saved him.
It was over.
We had to make “decisions” on what to do with the body.
Like a person there are options. I didn’t want options.
I didn’t want to make those decisions.
I just wanted this to be a bad dream.
To know Vincent was to love him. He did not care if I was fat or thin
if I did my job well was a ‘team player’ or if I said and did the right things.
Unlike most people an animals love is unconditional and if anyone
was around Vincent they would know he was different and special.
Looking into his big round eyes full of expression the way he came
when you called him the way he would sleep on my pillow with
his paw on my arm.
I have to believe he had a soul.
He was with me through some tough challenges and never
waned in his affection.
Its hard for me to comprehend that many people have no concept of
this feeling for “just an animal. As much as they cannot comprehend I
cannot fathom their lack of compassion.
“Now if it were a child”..that seems to make all the difference in the world.
What about mothers who adopt children? Do they love them any less
because they didn’t give birth to them? There are people who say
animals can’t communicate like people. What about parents who have
severely handicapped children..do they love them less because
they aren’t like them? I remember when Princess Diana died.
How many of us really knew her? and yet when she died
the nation mourned for months.
Feelings come in time with experience and chemistry.
They are not something to control; they simply are.
The bond I had with Vincent was special and unique.
For today I cannot “toughen up” or “rise to the occasion”.
Well intentioned friends say “life’s goes on” “sometimes you just have to
think about something else”. Out of respect for myself my feelings
and out of respect for Vincent I need this time to feel what I feel and
not have to explain why. I feel this way because I just lost one of the
most important things in my life. A beautiful living creature I was blessed
to have in my life constantly for 14 years.
So “toughing up” today isn’t going to happen.
There’s an empty place in my heart and I know when I get up in the
morning Vincent will not be outside the shower door.
I know he won’t sleep on my pillow tonight when I go to bed.
I know I’ll never see his big expressive eyes look into mine.
It hurts.
Although I am overwhelmed with memories and grief and its
painful to think about I am glad I feel compassion.
How sad for those who will never know that feeling of loving
something so much its hard to let go.
A good friend told me when you love anything that much
a hundred years is not long enough. She’s right.
It was not long enough. It just happened so fast and
I miss my forever friend.
To those who understand this feeling its nothing new.
For those who don’t I hope to find acceptance in letting me
deal with this how I have to.
Its been six days of going through the motions of living.
Last night we got ‘the call’ to come pick Vincent up.
He was ready to come home. I’m glad he’s home with his family
where he belongs. I can’t believe this little box of his remains is all
I have left. My husband reminded me that this is not all I have.
I have his whole wonderful life inside my heart always.
Yes I know the “show must go on”..and it will.
But for today for awhile the show is closed so I might work
through this grief and come out on the other side with only
happy memories.
We love you Vincent –
Mom and Dad
| Vincent |