September 4 1980 —- October 20 1998
Shih Tzu
18 Years old
We got Keisha when I was 9 years old. I am now in my late 20’s
and we just had to show mercy for my sweet angel on Tuesday
October 20th 1998. She was over 18 years old a beautiful little Shih Tzu
with big round eyes. All those years ago my mother took me to a Shih Tzu
breeder to pick out a puppy. I saw Keisha lying there in her bed while all
her brothers and sisters jumped all over us. I picked her out instantly
seeing that prescious baby sleeping so peacefully while there was chaos
all around her let me know that she was a gentle soul.
My mother wanted her brother a little black and white spaz. I wanted
Keisha and was not going to leave without her. My mother was explaining
that she was the runt and might not be as healthy as her siblings.
I did not care and being the only child finally got my own way.
We picked her up wrapped her in a little pink blanket and took her home.
We weighed her on a diet scale and she was exactly 12 ounces.
She fit in the palm of my hand. The tinyest cutest little baby I have ever
laid eyes on. She was a perfect angel from the start. Even as a new puppy,
she could be trusted to sleep in my bed and wake me up if she wanted
to go “out”. She never once nipped chewed or bit anyone or anything.
She never barked. She was instantly the matriarch of the family.
The first couple of days after we took her home we found to our dismay
that she was not eating. We figured out why. She didn’t like dog food.
She was starving herself rather than eat something she did not like.
I took pity on this poor tiny baby and fixed her up something to eat.
I made her hamburger and covered it in gravy to make it look like dog food.
She loved it! She ate it all right up without even stopping to breathe.
From that day on she ate whatever WE ate. She never in the 18 years
of living with us ate dog food even once. We would rotate her menu so she
would not get boared and stop eating again. It worked – for 18 years!
The Vet kept telling us to stop feeding her people food. She kept
saying that it was bad for her and she was going to die. We obviously
ignored the vet and had 18 wonderful years with the best puppy in the world.
The funny thing is we thought she was mute for the first three years of her
life. I remember sitting with her and watching TV together one night.
It was around Christmas time and I still being a child myself,
was watching Snoopy on a Christmas cartoon special. When Snoopy
started to howl Keisha started to howl with him. We were all shocked!
We couldn’t believe that she could speak after YEARS of silence!
That is the day she found out that she had a voice.
She was the cutest little thing. She thought she was so vicious from
then on. She would guard and protect me with that tiny little bark,
and no one would bother me. Keisha was never ever treated like
anything but an integral “human” part of our family. She never had to sleep
on the floor or outside. She never had to eat anything she did not like.
She had complete run of the house and all of its inhabitants.
Everyone that met her loved her instantly.
People would come up to me on the street and say “oh what a beautiful
little dog – what’s her name”? (everyone always knew she was a girl by
the pink ribbon that was ever present in her long gray hair.)
She would always smile her beautiful little smile for them and be as
friendly to every stranger as if she was theirs to keep. She was genuinely
a gentle compassionate loving soul from the day she was born.
I loved to spoil her rotten as did my parents. She could do anything she
wanted any time she wanted to do it. She could have any toy bed dish
she wanted – she was never denied anything. We trusted her
and she rewarded us by being the best girl ever. She never had
“accidents” or chewed up anything in the house that did not belong to her.
She was so human that you couldn’t help but love every inch of her.
Shih Tzus do not shed – they have hair not fur. Her hair would grow to the
floor and we would have to brush bathe and groom her constantly.
She would sit on my lap and I would brush her long silky coat until all the
knots aquired during the day were out and she was smooth and
shiny again. She was my confidant – my keeper of secrets. All those years
while I was a teenager or in my early 20’s when you do things your
parents would be mad about she knew everything and never told a soul
and never judged me for my stupid childish mistakes.
She slept with me ever night for 18 years. She watched TV on my lap for
as long as I can remember. I cried into her long coat so many times and
for so many various reasons that I can not even remember all of them.
Everyting in her life went relatively well for the first 18 years. She
started getting really old about 6 months before that but she was
completely functional except for a touch of blindness. She started to
get the congestion that comes with old age and we would whipe out her
little black nose with Q- tips and hold her over boiling pots of
Vicks Vapo Rub with a towel over her head for the maximum effect of
the vapors. She started having some accidents in the house but
nothing unforgiveable and ALWAYS in the kitchen. She was a
very good girl. Then on Monday afternoon I got a call at work. My
mother came home from work for lunch and found Keisha in the
kitchen unable to walk. She was covered in scrapes from pushing
herself against the floor trying desperately to get up. She said
“you better come home” and I was home in about 15 minutes.
(it is usually a 30 – 40 minute drive). I ran into the house and Mom was
holding Keisha baby-style wrapped in a blanket. She was
crying intensely and I instantly started to sob uncontrollably. I ran
to her and took her from my Mom. I started to rock her and try to
comfort her. It was to no avail. She wouldn’t sleep she wouldn’t eat,
she wouldn’t drink and she couldn’t walk or see.
I stayed up with her the whole night rocking her and talking to her
but she just kept getting worse. She was looking directly into my eyes
and crying miserably. My parents were telling me that it is my pooch,
and it is going to have to be my decision what to do.
They kept telling me “please look at her she is trying to tell you something,
and you are not listening to her”. Her big round eyes were staring into
mine and she was talking crying and barking to me. I was at a loss.
I did not know what to do. I started to freak out. Keisha kept trying to stand
up and couldn’t. She was frustrated starving herself and in a terrible
amount of pain. We tried force-feeding her with an eye-dropper
but she would just spit it back out. She wanted nothing to do with it.
We weighed her and she was down to 2 and 1/2 pounds. She was
wasting away and there was nothing I could do about it.
My mother and I stayed up all night with her crying and fretting
about what to do. Keisha was crying non-stop. She went on barking
and crying for hours on end. She kept trying to stand and grew more
upset with her new situation every second. She could not get up to do
anything and was crying with the most intense human sounds I
had ever heard come out of her. We finally decided to go to the
overnight emergency animal hospital one town away. In the middle
of the night we wrapped her in a blanket and put her in her little bed
and started for the car. She was instantly quiet.
She did not bark or cry anymore. I sincerely think she knew where
we were going. Once there we were greated by a very compassionate
young vet. I begged him to help her. I was crying hysterically and
begging him to do anything he could to make her more comfortable.
He checked her out and told us the inevitable. He said that our little
Keisha had anywhere from 24 to 36 hours left on this Earth.
He told us she could last another day-and-a-half on her own,
but that she was in the most excrusiating pain of her life
and the next hours would only get worse. He told me she was
suffering terribly and the best way was to just let her go tonight
before she suffered any more. I couldn’t bear to see my precious
little angel suffering so much but I couldn’t bear the thought of
loosing her either. I decided to do what was best for her and
allowed the doctor to prepare her for the procedure. I held
her the whole time rubbing her skinny ribs and petting her head.
I talked to her the whole time telling her how much I loved her
and crying into her soft hair for the last time in this life.
As I held her I felt the exact moment she left us.
It broke my heart right in half. I felt like I was going to die with her.
I hugged her and held her and cried and cried and cried until
I could not breathe at all. We put her back in her little bed and took
her home with us until we could make arrangements in the morning.
We sat there holding her and cried over that little bed the whole
rest of the night. Nobody slept nobody ate. We sat like zombies,
rocking her in her bed until we could go to the Animal Rescue League
the next morning. The hardest thing in my life to do other than the act
of mercy the night before was to hand my sweet cherished darling
baby over to the hands of a stranger to be cremated.
It tore me up to say goodbye to my loving sweetie pie for the very last
time. I made the man at the cemetary promise me with all his heart
that the pet I was holding was going to be the pet I retrieved.
He assured me that she would go in there alone and that her
body would not be given to research but given back to me.
On the way home from the Rescue League we stopped to get an urn.
We picked out a beautiful sterling silver heart-shaped box. It is
covered in embossed flowers and is engraved with her name,
the dates of her life and “Keisha we will always love you”
underneath the inscription. I have to pick the box up tomorrow
and I am picking her up on Friday. I am so devistated I can’t even
drive my car to the store. Keisha and I grew up together we got
in trouble together and we hid the trouble from our parents together.
We slept together ate together and hung out together every day for 18
years. I have lost my best friend and there is the biggest hole in
my heart that I have ever felt. The house is empty and void of life.
I feel dead without her in my life. My heart has been shattered and
I don’t see now how it can ever heal. I can never replace my
little Boo Baby my tiny prescious boobbins. I could own a thousand
dogs from now until I pass on and nobody would ever be able to hold
a candle to my Keisha baby.
For those of you reading this whose lives are in complete turmoil like
mine take comfort in the fact that there are some things that have
made my suffering a little bit easier. The past two days I have been
torturing myself. I have been riddled with guilt for killing my baby
and burning her body. I have been stricken by guilt and longing for
my pet that does not belong to this Earth any more.
My friend talked me off of the proverbial ledge tonight. She made sence.
She explained to me that I did not kill Keisha. I showed her mercy.
She said that this is a test from God – he is testing my character to
see if I would let her suffer to ease my pain or if I would suffer to ease hers.
I chose to suffer in her place. I loved her so much that I would give her
20 years of my life so that she could live one more day but I could
not watch her suffer so badly and stand idly by doing nothing to help her.
I had to do it for her sake even though the crushing guilt will haunt
me for the rest of my days. If I may justify the cremation:
Keisha always hated the rain and the snow. She was afraid of bugs.
I did not want to subject her to her most hated things in life by putting her
in a hole in the ground. I knew also that if I ever moved I would have
to take her with me – I would never leave her alone.
She has never been without us and I will never abandon her.
She is coming home on Friday and I can’t wait to have her back.
I miss her terribly and I can feel my heart breaking more and more
with every passing minute. The lonliness is practically killing me
and there is the most giant gaping void in my heart that I have ever felt.
The house is dead. I woke up this morning and went to go downstairs
to fill up her bowl and go “out”. There was no one there for me to take
care of. My mission in life is now over and I am at a complete loss.
My boss gave me the rest of the week off to “pull muself together”.
He is a great and compassionate man and I will never forget his kindness
to me in this horrible time of greiving and loss. I have no children
and no siblings so he knew that little Keisha was my world
and that I just lost my whole world in one day. When I spoke with him,
he could tell that I was dead inside and was probably incapable
of any task involving brain function.
Here is some solstice for anybody reading this message:
Today (we are on day 2) I set up a little shrine for her in my living room.
I got together a bunch of pictures some candles and a cross
and arranged them on an end table. The candles have been burning
constantly and every time I walk by the table I pray for her soul to
be welcomed into Heaven and for her and God to forgive me for the
horrible act I committed just hours ago. John’s web page was also
a great help it let me know that I do not suffer alone and gave me some
great links to get some help. I also went to the natural food store and
picked up something that I think actually helped.
It is called Ignatia Amara. It is a natural remedy meant to help feelings
of loss and hopelessness. It is to take the edge off and help us
to actually sleep and eat like normal people.
I have hot been able to sleep or eat but it has taken the edge off.
I have stopped being a hysterical mess long enough to type this letter.
This tribute is also a great help. With this you can leave a permanant
tribute to your darling baby that is now missing from your lives.
It is a message to heaven that really seems to ease some of the pain.
This way Keisha will know how much she is loved and missed
and I am so happy to have the opportunity to do that.
As I cry into my keyboard I am coming to grips with the fact
that I did the right thing. It was the absolute hardest decision
I have ever had to make in my entire life and I will feel guilty for it forever
but I know it was the right thing for Keisha. I also found a little poem on
a couple of sights that was very endearing. It is about the Rainbow Bridge
that all puppies go to when they cross over into heaven.
I tells how they all play together until their owners go up to join them.
It tells how old and sick pets are restored to their original health
so that they can jump and play and eat whatever they want
and how hurt or maimed pets are returned to perfect form.
It tells that they are waiting on the other side for us and as usual,
they can sense that we will be there before we do and start running to
the gate to meet us as cheerfully as when we used to come home
from work to them.
I miss my baby horribly and this has been the single most torturous
episode of my life but just knowing that she will meet me on
the other side makes me feel better. At least I know that I will see her again.
To anybody reading this: please know that I feel your pain.
I understand that it is the greatest loss we can encounter but I
also think that time heals these huge cavernous wounds.
As long as she is in my heart she will always be here with me.
I know it feels like life is over but just look forward to the time when
you meet again and back at all the good times and kooky little quips
that made you laugh.
Somewhere up in Doggy Heaven our pets are looking down
on us and they know we did these things for their happiness not ours,
and they are thanking us for it.
To my little Keisha:
I love you more than life itself and I am in a great deal of pain
but just go meet Grampy and Grammy up in heaven and
they will take good care of you until I get there.
My heart is breaking from the loss of your cuddles
and Mama and Daddy are lost without you.
Please to make sure to look for us on the other side my precious
little pumpkin and remember that we will always love you
and cherish the time we had with you forever.
I love you Keisha and will keep you in the front of
my heart every day until I see you up in Heaven.
Please forgive me for what I have done but I could not watch you
suffer any longer you were too good to suffer,
my precious little angel – I love you very much and
always will every day of my life.
Love “Sissy”
Written by: Marlene
Boston MA
| Keisha Mae Ling Toi |